the enthusiast

2005-02-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

Gates on a twisty path

2005-02-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

Gates and city

2005-02-09T01:45:00.000-05:00

American Idol!

It's in full swing for the year,and I've been watching as much as I can. Tonight, I got to sneak and watch a lot ofit on the TV at work. I like the horrible-auditions episodes we've had in the past few weeks, even though the bad auditions are slightly cringe-inducing. But it's even more fun now that the group is narrowed down to the pretty good people, everyone gathered in Hollywood together, and we're just going through and narrowing it down to the final 12 or 24 or however many are going to be in the finals.

The part I like the most isn't the singing, although I enjoy that too. I like watching how happy everyone is to have made it this far, and to see the contestants' excitement to visit the sights of Hollywood. There was this one guy, kind of a tough-looking guy from Brooklyn, who got all emotonal when he visited the beach. He talked about how he never dreamed he'd get to do something like this, to see everything that he was seeing, and about how he only wished his large family back home could also have all the wonderful and new experiences that he was having. Then he cried, and I felt myself tear up too. He ended up getting eliminated, but he was still so grateful to have been a part of it all.

I love stuff like that. It must just be the coolest feeling to have dreamed of becoming a star, and to get as far as the American Idol semifinals. It's so great to feel the contestants' excitement along with them.

This is such a great show.

2005-02-06T03:55:00.000-05:00

What's left of my Mardi Gras outfit

2005-01-22T01:09:00.000-05:00

The Friday Feast, from Wild Scorpy!

Appetizer
What is one quality you really admire about yourself?

Ability to put forth a good effort

Soup
What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use?

TIGI Catwalk Curls Rock

Salad
Describe your favorite movie scene. You know, the one that just gets to you every time you watch it.

I don't have a favorite, but in the past few weeks, tg and I have watched Love Actually about seven times, and we love the scene at the end where the Colin Firth character goes to the restaurant where his true love works, and he proposes to her in Portuguese, which he's been learning for her sake, and then she says yes in English, which she's been learning for his sake and everyone cheers...we cheer right along with them, every time.

Main Course
If you were a veggie, which one would you be, and why?

A great big lovable pumpkin

Dessert
If you could take a weekend trip within 100 miles of your current residence, where would you like to go?

New York, City probably. I go there so often that it's not too exciting, but the only other things within a hundred miles are suburbs and small towns, and while some of them might be sort of cool, I don't know enough about them to be able to tell which one I'd like. And I know I like New York.

2005-01-08T02:13:00.000-05:00

Hoodies.

Today, I bought two, which was probably too extravagant, but for some reason, I love them. They've been around forever, obviously, but I never really wore them. They seemed sort of athletic--I always associated them with people working out or advertising their favorite teams, neither of which I was too inclined to do.

Then, last year, I moved into my current apartment, where I don't control the heat. When I had been apartment hunting, the management company told me that it keeps all the apartments on the hot side, so much so that tenants complain. That might be true, but I have always liked rooms much much hotter than everyone else likes them, and I am usually cold. People tell me that is weird for someone from Wisconsin, and I guess it is, but my family always kept the heat turned up high when I was growing up, probably to compensate for the cold outside, and I got used to it.

Anyway, hoodies. So, when it started getting to be November and chilly, the apartment was never hot enough for me. I started wishing that I had something to put on over my sweater when I got home. But not something I would have to pull over my head and would ruin my hair. And not something thin and flimsy like a cardigan. And not something too itchy, so nothing woolly. What I wanted was a zip-up hoodie.

I bought my first one from Old Navy, but I wasn't a fan. It hung really low in front, and then rode up in back, and didn't have the tight snugly fit I was looking for. I tried another one, from Urban Outfitters, which I loved, but it is cream colored, and one day, I threw it in the wash with the whites and the bleach, and now it has huge white bleach stains all over it. Then, I bought a white cotton one, but it was so summery that it only really worked in June or July. After that, I bought a couple of tight terry cloth ones, only one of which really fits me, but they were a little too tight and snugly, not comfy, the way the perfect hoodie should be.

While I was on my quest to find this perfect hoodie, I only had more time to think about the virtues of the hoodie as a concept. It can cozy and comfortable, but doesn't have to be enormous and sacklike. It works well in all four seasons, as long as it's not too heavy and fleecy. It can go over anything, from a woolly sweater to a tank top. It can also go under coats, and really, what's more adorable that seeing a little hood poking out under a fleece or parka? It has, well, a hood, which can keep you warm if you're really cold and don't have a hat, or if a hat would crush your hair. And a good hoodie look great. It has spirit. It's not a shy, unassuming items of clothing. Its hood bounces around in back with a certain, you know, enthusiasm!

So, today, even though I couldn't afford it, I bought two candidates for this perfect hoodie that's occupied my imagination since last year. One is more athletic, and one is warmer, with a sort of mesh pattern inside. One is black, and one is crimson.

Will one of them be the one?

2005-01-07T03:04:00.000-05:00

Some things I did today:

*Christmas tree dismantling. Goodbye, holiday season.

*Sex and the City DVD watching, the second season. I've seen them all before, but I could watch them over and over. The one where Carrie decides every guy in NYC is a freak, and then ets caught trying to pry open a box she finds in her date's closet? I love it! "Freak show, exhibit A. The man who steals cheap used books for no reason." "We just want someone who will kiss our three heads and tell us it will be okay." Sorry. I get a little carried away.

*CMT watching at the gym late at night. Recent obsession Alison Krauss was on some special. I love her and her music so much. It's all so beautiful, it makes me want to cry. Or sing along, as I almost did, out loud at the gym. I did mouth along to some of the lyrics, humiliating myself there for life. These days, I've been listening to her new CD, Lonely Runs Both Ways, almost constantly.

*Real estate websites time wasting. Did you know that the most expensive house currently for sale on the near north side of Chicago is on sale for $22 million? It's a beautiful mansion, built in 1896, with 20,000 square feet of space, and right on the lake, amidst mostly high-rise condos? Did you know that, for $2,500 a month in New York City, you can rent a one bedroom apartment in the West Village whose owner chooses to display a picture of her (his?) adorable stuffed friends in the online ad? You might note that I do not live in Chicago, do not know anyone who lives in Chicago, and have no plans, now or ever, to buy homes in Chicago worth $22 million. You might note that I do not live in New York City, have no plans to live there any time soon either. You might also note that I have been working on the same horrible work memo for what seems like years. And you would be right about all of those things.

*Bacon cheddarburger eating. Mmmm....

UPDATE: I think some people may have thought that I did live in NYC. I actually live in Connecticut. But I do live pretty close to NY, so I visit the city often, especially since I have many close friends who do live there. So, in the past, I've talked about doing New York things, like going to Coney Island in the summer and walking in Central Park on Thanksgiving, which may be why people thought I lived there. Because I do live close, it's not as ridiculous that I would have been looking for apartments there as it is that I was looking for them in Chicago. But, since I'm not planning to move to either city in the near future, the real estate listings were still a total time-wasting device with no actual real-life purpose.

2005-01-01T15:27:00.000-05:00

The fireworks

2004-12-31T19:16:00.000-05:00

Happy new year, everyone!

I have the greatest hopes for 2005. Every year at this time, I start thinking about all the great things the new year could be, and that's what so great about tonight. It still could be all of them. And that's so exciting!

So, goodbye to 2004, and welcome, 2005! May it be a wonderful year for us all!

2004-12-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

I've mostly just been hanging around the house the past couple days, but last night, I did go out, first to Jessica and Matt's apartment, then out to a bar with them and a few other high school friends. Of course, I took the digital camera, because I'm sort of obsessed with it. I took pictures of literally everything, from a dirty pan on their counter to my foot. I actually took a truly exceptional series of pictures of my foot.

My favorite pictures were of the stuffed animals Jessica and Matt have all over their apartment. I knew they had a lot of them, but until I started taking the photos, I didn't realize quite how many were hidden all over the place. A few of my favorites are below.

(Note: None of the pictures here are of people. I feel weird posting people pictures, because this blog is a secret from almost everyone in my "real" life, so I can't get anyone's permission to put their pictures on it.)

2004-12-29T20:34:00.000-05:00

You can sort of see me in the framed picture next to this dog. It's from senior year in high school, from the senior picnic. Even though the picnic was in May, it was freezing cold, so I'm there wearing my gray fleece, second one in.

2004-12-29T20:32:00.000-05:00

I've never been a huge Tigger fan, but he is sort of cute here

2004-12-29T20:31:00.001-05:00

This moose has a particularly happy smile

2004-12-29T20:31:00.000-05:00

This little guy appears to have fallen down

2004-12-29T20:30:00.001-05:00

A squashed shark (you can't see him very well in the smaller picture, but click on it and you'll find him)

2004-12-29T20:30:00.000-05:00

Their favorite teddy bear. I'm not quite sure about its story, but I do think it's cute.

2004-12-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

Jessica's favorite animal is Eeyore. Someone won this for her at a carnival.

2004-12-28T20:51:00.000-05:00

The slippers I got for Christmas

2004-12-28T20:50:00.000-05:00

Our nativity scene

2004-12-28T20:49:00.001-05:00

One of the Christmas houses from our collection

2004-12-28T20:49:00.000-05:00

Ornament on Christmas tree

2004-12-27T22:07:00.000-05:00

The after Christmas diet has started.

Sort of. I feel so bloated after the holidays that this year I feel like I have to do something to at least make myself feel better about it. I've tried weight loss stuff in the past, but always in unhealthy ways (skipping meals, etc.). This time, I'm hoping to do it right. That way, even if I don't lose any weight, at least I'll get a happier, healthier lifestyle! That's the idea.

So, for the past two mornings, I've gone to the gym with my mom, a daily gym-goer. I thought that having a person with whom to exercise would help motivate me. The first day, I was all enthusiastic, and spent the car ride to and from the gym babbling about how great it would be to invest in exercise equipment of my own, and how I would like to move into an apartment building with a gym and on and on. This morning, I woke up in pain from yesterday morning, and lay in bed whimpering and moaning and okay, howling, at the idea of moving my poor sore self out of the bed and going to the gym. My mom let me lie there for about half an hour, but then said she was going, and I could go or not, but I had to decide. With enormous effort, I hauled myself out of bed and to the gym.

And then, on top of everything, today I had to go in and get myself measured for my maid of honor dress for Jessica's wedding. There's nothing that makes you feel better about your body than standing in a freeing dressing room, topless, waiting for the salesgirl to come and measure you, staring at yourself in the mirror, noticing every imperfection there. It was enough to make me order my dinner from the "salad" column at the burger place we went to dinner tonight.

But I'm trying! And that's what's important, right?

2004-12-26T01:23:00.000-05:00

Christmas!

It was wonderful! I had such a terrific holiday, and I hope all of you did as well.

The specifics:

On Christmas Eve, my family and I went out to a big breakfast at a local diner, then went grocery shopping for all kinds of delicious Christmas goodies. I came home, watched tg wrap presents while intimidated and terrified of the whole wrapping process.

In the mid-afternoon, we went to church, getting there almost an hour early to avoid the near-brawls over pew space we've encountered in years past. When the opening chords of "O Come All Ye Faithful" started, I cried. There was also the Christmas pageant, which ends with the priest talking to the kids who participated about Christmas and what it all means. This happens every year, instead of the homily. To get the conversation started, the priest always asks the kids some questions. Last year, he started by asking them, "What do you want for Christmas?" then asking "What do your parents want for Christmas?" and then finally, "What do you think I want for Christmas?" In response to that last question last year, one kid answered, bafflingly, "A bone." No one else thought this was all that funny, but I thought it was hysterical at the time. This year, Father Terry must have decided that the "What do I want for Christmas?" line of questioning didn't go so well, so he asked the kids a couple of questions about whether they'd been good this year (the girl playing the Virgin Mary shook her head in an emphatic "no"), and then wrapped things up with "What do you think you're going to get in your stockings?" Some kid replied, with enthusiasm, "Dog bones!" Uh...okay.

Then, we went home, and had our traditional Christmas Eve meal of beef fondue. I wrapped tg's present, with some success, despite my fears (a true Christmas miracle). We did our traditional Christmas themed jigsaw puzzle and listened to lots of beautiful Christmas music.

Around midnight, Mom and Dad were getting ready to go to bed, and tg and I were still wide awake, so we decided to head downtown, where they have a Christmas light show. Different businesses make displays out of Christmas lights in the downtown park, and you drive through the park and look at them. We usually go in the days leading up to Christmas, but hadn't been yet. We drove through the deserted streets listening to Christmas music on the radio. When we reached the park, we followed directions written on a sign and turned off our headlights and turned on our parking lights to enable us and the other visitors to see the lights better. The lights were beautiful, and we enjoyed the show, then headed for home. Partway home, tg spotted a police car up ahead, and slowed down and made sure we were doing everything right. We were pretty sure we were okay, but all of a sudden, we realized that the police car was behind us, and was in fact pulling us over. It was the first time either of us had ever been pulled over, so we were sort of terrified. Also puzzled, since we couldn't figure out what we'd done wrong. The police officer was almost to our window before we realized. Our lights were still off from looking at the light show! We'd driven all the way back without any lights. We explained all this to the police officer, who thought it was funny and let us go.

This morning, we woke up to a white Christmas! I've never gone to bed on Christmas Eve to a non-white world, and woken up to see everything covered in snow.

Present opening went well, and best of all, I got a digital camera! Yay! I've been using it all day to take pictures of everything, including the white carpet. I thought it might come out sort of artistic, but it just looked like a...blank...white..screen. I call it my polar bear in a snowstorm shot. In elementary school, when the overhead projector would come on, before the teacher put the transparency on, and there was just a square of white light projected onto the chalkboard, some kid would always yell out, "It's a polar bear in a snowstorm!" I thought it was funny every time then. I still think it's funny now. Uh, yeah. Okay. Moving on.

I spent most of the day playing with the digital camera, hanging out with my family, eating. Lots of eating. Then, in the evening, we went to the movies and saw The Aviator, which we all enjoyed.

So...that was my Christmas! I hope yours were as good, and I can't wait to read all about them!

2004-12-25T01:48:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I'll post more later about my holiday, about getting pulled over a few minutes after midnight on Christmas, and about the bizarre recurring role of dog bones in the church Christmas pageant. But for now, I just wanted to say merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

2004-12-24T02:40:00.000-05:00

Today: crowded mall parking lots (does the Christmas spirit of giving really count when you're in competition over a parking space?), difficult shopping trips (I just let Jessica and her fiance go ahead and buy the scarf I didn't like for his best friend's fiance. What do I know anyway?), and attempts not to worry about the present wrapping I have to do. (I'm the worse present wrapper ever. In high school, I worked at a department store, and they had me at the gift wrap counter one day. I was removed before the morning was over.)

In the late afternoon, I stopped by Borders to read sappy Christmas books for a little while and cry. Despite seeing it on the Christmas book table at Borders for years, I had never read The Christmas Box, and, as expected, it did the trick. By the time I got to the last chapter, my eyes were moist as I read "The first Christmas gift...was love." I sniffled and wiped my eyes and looked embarrassed.

Then, all night, I was driving around listening to Christmas music on the radio and looking at the Christmas lights on all the houses and trees. It's all so beautiful and mysterious. I used to be better at articulating what this all means. Now I end up just sitting back in wonder.

2004-12-23T19:11:00.000-05:00

I downloaded the shower pictures from tg's camera. Here's me in the dress-the-bridesmaid contest. I won! I won!

2004-12-23T02:05:00.000-05:00

Bridal shower report!

Overall, I think it went well. About ten people came, which isn't that big a party by my standards, but I think all of Jessica's important people were there--her aunt, a few close family friends, a couple of us friends from high school, a couple friends she's made since graduation. We served cheese and crackers, cake, and cut-up fruit, none of which people really ate, but then again, it was right after dinner.

As activities, we played a guessing game where people had to guess information about the couple. Even I learned a lot of stuff. (Jessica's fiance's favorite food is curried chicken. Never knew that.) We also played a decorate-the-bridesmaid game, where we divided everyone up into teams and gave them balloons, crepe paper, tissue, and wrapping paper, and told each team to use that to make a crazy costume for the bridesmaid. The team that decorated me won, thanks to tg's creativity in making crepe paper rosettes to decorate my wrapping paper dress.

The worst part came right before the shower actually started. Now, okay, I wasn't sure what kinds of gifts people usually bring to bridal showers (stuff off the registry?), so I asked Colleen, a friend whose wedding I attended in June what people did for hers. She said that, at hers, people brought favorite recipes and the ingredients with which to make them. She said she's still trying them all out, and that they've been great. I thought that sounded like a wonderful idea, so I ran it by Jessica in November, and she said that sounded fine, and that anything I wanted to do would be fine, because I was running the shower. A couple weeks later, she sent me a link to her registry at target.com, but I didn't bother even referring to it in the invitations, because I wanted people to do the recipe thing as a gift.

But then, tonight, right before the shower, one of the bridesmaids was helping me get ready, and mentioned to me that Jessica had only registered for gifts she wanted at the shower. She planned to do something else entirely for the actual wedding. I panicked. Jessica would come, expecting housewares and things from Target, and instead get some packs of flour and chocolate chips.

Luckily, people took the recipe thing really seriously, and brought these elaborately wrapped packages filled with all kinds of different foods, along with, in some cases, even the pots and pans necessary to make the dish. She seemed really happy with her stuff, and I was happy she was happy, since that, after all, was the point.

So, overall...a success, I think.

2004-12-23T01:54:00.000-05:00

Our tree, all finished

2004-12-21T22:34:00.000-05:00

This evening, my family and I put up our Christmas tree. Tree-trimming is a big deal in our family, because we have tons and tons of ornaments, and each one has a story and a history, so putting them up is like reviewing all our favorite memories of our lives together.

When I was bringing up the boxes of ornaments from the basement, I happened upon a Christmas journal that I kept for five Christmases, from when I was 13 to when I was 17. I would use it to record favorite memories from each Christmastime. I had a great time tonight reading back through it, and remembering how much each holiday season meant to me. I thought I'd share a few excerpts from it here.

"The Spirit of Christmas means so much to me this year. It doesn't seem to mean much to my friends--they still act cold and snitty. Not to me in particular--just in general. I think that they should learn more about what it all means. I need to learn too. I have to learn not to hate anyone at Christmas, not even creeps...I hope that I can really live the Christmas spirit this year." --Christmas, 1994 (age 13)

"One extra-special kindness that showed itself in the form of an experience was my trip to the Messiah sing-along. At a party, I mentioned that I'd love to go to a Messiah sing-along. The next day [my friend] Patty called me offering me a free ticket to a Messiah sing-along and a free dinner out. It was such a Christmassy night! The two of us, plus Patty's mom snuggled around a table at the restaurant, enjoying cheerful, fascinating conversation and delicious food (I had chicken in brown sauce with wild rice and root vegetables, then chocolate cake. Then, we hurried through the cold to the church, where we experienced the joy of the music and I contemplated faith." --Christmas, 1997 (age 16)

--"On Saturday, December 9, we went to see [tg] in the Nutcracker. It was absolutely wonderful! First, we picked up Grandma and dropped [tg] off. Then, we snuggled into a booth at the pizza place with a steaming hot cheese and mushroom pizza, where I argued with Grandma about the connection between ADD and immigration [???--don't remember what that was about!]. Afterwards, we went to a coffee shop and had rich, chocolate-y hot cocoa and a thick, creamy chocolate cake with white topping. We crammed around a cozy marble table and happily chatted. Then we saw the show, which was WONDERFUL! It was all great, but the party scene was especially magical. Even though it was -70 degrees out, it was still a fantastic night!"
--Christmas, 1995 (age 14)

"The heart of this Christmas season lies in its beautiful magice, the spirit of Christmas. It's a magical feeling, but it's also love and light and generosity. It's joy, but it's also that magical mysticism of bringing light out of darkness, and with that, hope out of pain, love out of coldness, peace out of turmoil. It's this magical synthesis of Christmas trees and garlands, human goodness and generosity, Christmas carols, lights, candles, the birth of Jesus, the star, love, all joining together and becoming the heart of this magical season. It's a feeling, a feeling to strive for, but also a goal in itself. I can't begin to understand it, no more than I can understand life itself. It's a rare yet ever-present glow, shining in the dark of this 'bleak mid-winter.' Hidden in the fragrant pine boughs of Christmas trees, shining in the candle's light, it's a celebration of goodness, generosity, kindness, magic, faith, hope, love, and of life itself. When the lights of the tree shine into my heart, it is instantly a moment of thankfulness and love for life. It is the most wonderful, undescribably magical thing I know; it is everything brilliant and wonderful I know. Merry Christmas!!!!" --Christmas, 1998 (age 17)

2004-12-20T23:33:00.000-05:00

Home for the holidays!

After a busy weekend (holiday parties, shopping, and much chaos, sorry for no posting), tg and I flew home to Wisconsin this evening, and just arrived! It was a surprisingly uneventful trip. The flight was delayed by half an hour, and I was sure I was going to miss my connection, but it turned out that the connecting flight was also delayed, so all was well.

This week is bound to be busy as well, with both Jessica's bridal shower, and, well, you know, Christmas! I can't believe there are only four shopping days left! But I'll try to keep you posted as all of it unfolds...

2004-12-17T02:21:00.000-05:00

Nice Christmassy things from today.

I've been feeling a little better in recent days. Life is too full of complications and ambiguities for me to get too upset for long. Nothing is every quite as it seems, for better or for worse.

Anyway, tonight, before work, I was walking around downtown. There's this special program they have during the holidays that's called something like "Late Night Thursdays," and some of the stores stay open later, and there are performances and giveaways and things. It's to encourage people to come and do their holiday shopping downtown, rather than at the giant malls.

I went down to the giant Christmas tree they have up, and I just stood there for a while, staring up at all of the thousands of beautiful twinkling lights. Families walked by, some with babies and little kids, who also looked up at the tree in wonder. Some girls, who must have been about fourteen, had gathered nearby and were just hanging out, when all of a sudden, they broke into Christmas carols! I stood and listened and watched the tree.

After that, I walked back towards the restaurant where tg and I were going to have dinner. Because of the Late Night Thursdays (or whatever it's called), the streets were full of people, including lots of kids, some of whom literally had their noses pressed to the glass of store windows, looking at the gorgeous displays some of the stores have up. City employees were handing out free popcorn, which I ate. Christmas music floated out from the speakers above the CD store. The lights on the wreaths on the lampposts sparkled.

There are so many magical things about this season.

2004-12-15T01:06:00.000-05:00

I'm depressed tonight, so instead of the cheerful enthusiastic post about Christmas that I was going to post, I'll just do this meme. Besides Faith said she wanted me to do it, and it's nice to know that at least someone wants me to do something.

Three names you go by: Claire...uh, that's it.

Three screen names you have: claire1044, claire20b...that's it!

Three things you like about yourself: This is hard. Okay...I'm a good sister, a good friend, and I try hard at everything.

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself: Too fat, too disliked by everyone, too insecure

Three parts of your heritage: Polish, Croatian, Irish

Three things that scare you: Being alone forever, family members dying, living a meaningless life

Three of your everyday essentials: tea, Pop-Tarts, orange juice

Three things you are wearing right now: jeans, pink sweatshirt, red long-sleeved t-shirt

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): Martina McBride, Chantal Kreviazuk, Rascal Flatts

Three of your favorite songs at present: Chantal Kreviazuk's Time, Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt, Rascal Flatts' Feels Like Today

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): Laughter, warmth, honesty

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months: a relationship (like this is going to happen), meeting at least one blogfriend, not worrying about my weight

Two truths and a lie: Oh, fuck, I hate these. Okay. I have a green pen on my desk. I have a pink pen on my desk. I have a blue pen on my desk.

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeals to you: Eyes, height, arms

Three things you just can't do: be confident about myself, do gymnastics, build stuff

Three of your favorite hobbies: blogging, reading, daydreaming

Three things you want to do really badly right now: be somewhere else, go to sleep and forget about tonight, eat a great big giant chocolate cake

Three careers you're considering: I give up. I don't have any idea.

Three places you want to go on vacation: Italy, Disney World, Croatia

Three kids' names: Charlotte, Jonathan, Chiara

Three things you want to do before you die: Go back to Italy, learn to knit for real, have children

Three people you'd like to take this quiz now, or die a painful death (just kidding about that last part!): Wild Scorpy, Bad Penguin, JuJuBee

2004-12-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

The party!

It was so fun. So much fun. I can see why I look forward to this all year!

Everyone came. People I've known forever (even someone I know from middle school), and new friends from the bar. People I know from a million different settings. All different kinds of people. From my dad (in town for the weekend) to my best friend from college to a friend's boyfriend's literally insane friend (who went around yelling out crazy stories about penis enlargement). The apartment was packed all night, so much so that people complained about not being able to move.

People said they loved the food, and I think they were telling the truth, because so much of it got eaten. The main attraction was chocolate fondue, with Clementine slices, marshmallows, and grapes to dip. I also had mulled cider, baguette slices with olive tapenade, Brie and crackers, corn chips with guacamole, warm chocolate chip cookies, yellow pound cake with rasberry swirls, pretzels, dark chocolate candies, candy canes, sliced vegetables with hummus, and then wine, beer, and scotch and soda to drink. I love the chocolate fondue the best, but again, people seemed to eat everything. And I had a lot of everything.

I was so thrilled that people came, that they had fun, that they met new people, and that so many of the important people in my life could be together to celebrate the season. Sorry for cheesiness, but isn't this what the holidays are all about?

2004-12-11T01:22:00.000-05:00

I love every Christmas song.

It didn't use to be that way. My family played a lot of Christmas music, but a lot of it was classical Christmas music, sung by British choirs, that kind of thing. It sounds so unique, and I have so many memories of sitting by the Christmas tree at home, listening to it and listening to my parents read favorite Christmas books out loud. For a long time, that was pretty much all I listened to at Christmas.

But while I still think it's the most beautiful music in the world, I'm opening up to all different kinds of Christmas music, including literally every Christmas song I hear on the radio, which plays Christmas music all day long. New favorites this year include what seems to be everyone's favorite song this year, Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You," Britney Spears' "My Only Wish (This Year)" (shut up and stop mocking me, everyone), Better Than Ezra's "Merry Christmas Eve," and Martina McBride's "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

And then there are Christmas songs that I've known forever, but have just started to grow on me. Take "Blue Christmas." I used to think that was the most irritating song ever, but now I think it's catchy, and I love walking around singing to myself, "and I'll have a bluuue, blue, blue, blue Christmas." Or "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." I like the part about the Christmas party hop. That sounds like so much fun!

I also still love some Christmas songs I started to love in my very early childhood. This is the most embarrassing thing ever, but I still walk around listening to songs from John Denver and the Muppets' A Christmas Together ("The Christmas Wish?" Best song ever.) and songs from Christmas Eve on Sesame Street. Whenever I run into people on the street, I frantically turn down the volume in case someone can hear Miss Piggy singing out, "Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat..."

I also have a soft spot for really sloppy, sentimental Christmas music. "The Christmas Shoes?" "Same Old Lang Syne?" Uh-huh, love them both. And all others like them.

And, in addition to all this, I just love good old traditional Christmas music. Any rendition of "O Holy Night," "O Come All Ye Faithful," "Joy To The World," or "Silent Night" is just wonderful. The opening chords of these songs just send chills down my spine. There's something so magical about listening to them--nothing in the world feels quite like it.

Erin had some great thoughts on Christmas music. And now I'll ask you, tiny readership. Christmas songs? Which ones do you love the most?

2004-12-10T01:09:00.000-05:00

I was contemplating two different posts, one about a Big Serious Life Question of how to reach out to people when you're scared, and the other about my not-so-serious troubles with giving tree gifts. I think I'll save the reaching out thing for tomorrow, and concentrate on my dramas with sidewalk chalk.

Okay, so, does anyone else participate in a giving tree anywhere? You know, where kids whose parents can't afford presents put things down on cards and hang them on tree and you can pick a card off the tree and buy the present? My parents and I always did this at the mall when I was growing up, and I looked forward to sorting through the cards, finding a girl my age who wanted stuff I knew something about (usually Barbies), and then going to Toys R Us and picking out all kinds of stuff for her.

When I moved here, I was excited to see that my church has one of those. I still love shopping for Barbies and things, so I thought that this would be a great way to help someone and have fun at the same time. The problem with the church giving tree here though, is that the requests just aren't very specific. The cards say things like "games" or "scarf," and they don't give a name or age. Well, without knowing something about the kid who wants it, and without more instructions, it's hard to know what to get. Last year, I had "games," and I tried to get a big stack of different games for different ages. I spent many worried hours on toysrus.com choosing them. There just aren't any games that appeal to three-year-old girls and twelve-year old boys equally well. But whoever it was was probably disappointed. If it turned out to be the three-year-old girl, she probably liked Candy Land okay, but hated Monopoly.

This year, I tried to pick out the most specific request on the tree, and the best I could do was "jump rope and sidewalk chalk." Even so, I had trouble. I found this beautiful jump rope with wooden handles shaped like dogs in this fabulous fancy toy store, and I got it, thinking it was perfect, but now I'm thinking, if the kid is a little older, she (he?) isn't going to want dog handles. She probably wants a longer one, something pink, maybe?

And now, with the supposedly non-complicated part, the sidewalk chalk, I'm having terrible trouble. I hadn't thought about it, but this isn't really the time of year for sidewalk chalk. I'm going to go on a more extended hunt tomorrow, but the gift is due on Sunday. If I can't find it in a store, it's too late to order online (none of the establishments, such as the Crayola online store, that sell sidewalk chalk online, appear to have delivery options that would guarantee it here by Sunday). And I have to find it! Or I'll ruin some child's Christmas!

I really think our church needs to give more information on these cards, so the whole thing would be easier and less stressful. Then I could just go back to my Barbie-buying days. I recently saw a tree up somewhere that had really specific requests. Every kid on the tree had written a letter attached to the card, and the letters indicated the precise name, brand, model, everything of the videogames and electronics that the kids wanted. That's better I guess. Not quite as much fun as the mid-level specificity, where you get the fun of choosing between, say, Barbie in a prom dress and Barbie in a Cinderella outfit, but probably better for everyone, because then the kids get exactly what they want, without leaving it up to what might end up being strangers' poor judgment.

Anyone else ever do a giving tree? It wasn't this stressful for you, was it?

2004-12-09T01:51:00.000-05:00

This is an insanely busy week, lots of work and other craziness.

But getting me through it is thoughts of this coming weekend. This is the weekend of the greatest event of the year, my annual Christmas party. I've had one every year since sophomore year in high school. They've grown from a few people sitting around my house in Wisconsin watching the Charlie Brown Christmas special to pretty big gatherings, for which I try to invite everyone I know who lives within 100 miles of here. This year will be the first year I actually do have people coming from out of town for it--a couple of friends from New York, and a few from New Jersey.

So, this week is devoted to getting ready: thinking about what kind of food to serve, making sure at least a few people are going to show up, planning time to get everything ready, that sort of thing. Before I continue writing, I want to pause and ask for suggestions. Have you every eaten/drank/done something absolutely fabulous at a holiday party that made the party really special? Thoughts? I want input!

Tonight at work, I was talking to some of the people I'd invited, asking whether or not they were planning on coming. I wasn't sure they would, since I only started working here a couple months ago, and aside from one girl, I'm not really close to anyone there yet. But I always figure that inviting people to a party is a good way of getting closer to them and showing them how much I like them, without the pressure of asking someone to hang out one-on-one.

Anyway, so I was talking to a couple of the guys at work and asking if they were planning on coming. Two of them, in separate conversations, told me that they'd like to come, and were in fact planning on it, but they wanted to know who else I was inviting, because they don't like to go to parties where they're not going to know people.

That response really surprised me. Of course, I don't like to go to parties where I don't know people either, but I still do it sometimes, and I attribute my discomfort to my shyness and social insecurities. But these guys at work seem so socially confident and outgoing that it shocked me that they'd care who they knew at a party. I mean, they're bartenders. They spend all night talking to people, often people they don't know, and being funny and charming and all that. They're the kind of people who intimidate me by seeming so good in social situations with new people.

It's so comforting to realize that lots of people share my various insecurities, no matter how together everyone else always appears.

Anyway, countdown to party: 3 days!

2004-12-06T01:21:00.000-05:00

I found a great Christmas meme over at Wild Scorpy's. Here goes!

Step One
Make a post to your weblog/journal. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, big or small. The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two:
Surf around your blogroll (or friend's blogrolls, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list.

Here's the important part: If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My List:

1. Material things first :) I wish I had a digital camera, so I could post pictures up here!

2. I wish I could figure out this whole relationship thing. Come to understand what I want and how to be strong enough to get it, whatever it might turn out to be.

3. I wish that certain people in my life who are confronting certain problems and needs could have their wishes come true. So many of my friends and family members are struggling with things, and I wish I could wave a magic Christmas wand and make those struggles go away. Give one friend the boyfriend she's wanted for so long. Give another the close circle of friends she's been trying so hard to create for herself. Things like that.

4. I wish I could figure out how to give my daily life more meaning. I like my life, but sometimes, I wake up, and I can barely think of the point of getting through the day. I think this might be a job related thing. If I could understand exactly what I wanted to be doing right now, I would feel a sense of purpose in getting up each day to do it.

5. I wish I had more people over more often.

6. I wish I could be a really good maid of honor in Jessica's wedding this year. I know how significant this event is for her, and I hope I can do everything I can to make her day as special as possible.

7. I wish I could lose fifteen pounds. Or stop worrying about it. Either way.

8. I wish I didn't get so scared about things.

9. I wish I could learn to cook a a really delicious signature dish. Something complicated and fun that I could be absolutely great at making. Something more than just pasta sauce, which is about all I'm good at cooking now.

10. I wish my family and friends could all be together in one place for more than, like, five minutes at a time. Almost everyone I love is at least two hour train ride away, many of them are a day long plane trip away, and a couple of them are several days of plane away (and probably a few on a camel--they're in the Peace Corps in Africa). I know we'd all be so happy if we could just be together, and while I know we're all pursuing dreams and doing what we have to do, I don't understand why we can't all be together.

Hmm. Re-reading that, I'm thinking that I should have asked for more fun things, and made fewer wishes that sounded like New Year's resolutions barely disguised. Oh well. I guess if it's what I'm really wishing for, I can write about it, right?

2004-12-03T02:24:00.000-05:00

Weird experience involving a really pretty Christmas tree.

I just got back from work, definitely a busy night. People were kind of cranky and irritable, as was I, and even the people I ususally talk with were kind of preoccupied. I was happy to get out of there and come home

As I was walking out the door and saying goodbye to people, one of the bartenders (who's both married and very, very attractive), asked if I needed someone to walk me home. I said no, that I lived close to the bar, and that I'd be fine. Then, I made some offhand remark about how I wished it were a little earlier so I could walk over and see the city Christmas tree, which just got lit this evening. It's a little ways away from my apartment, and there have been a few muggings around here recently, so I wouldn't want to go over alone. This guy said with some excitement that he hadn't ever been to see the tree, and did I want to walk over and take a look? I love the tree, and even though I was tired, the prospect of having someone protect me from potential muggers so I could go see it was very exciting. I agreed.

We walked over to the tree, through the deserted streets, just talking idly about work stuff. Then, we got to the tree, which was, as I knew it would be, absolutely beautiful. While we were looking at the tree, I suddenly noticed that his arm was around me, massaging my shoulder. He pulled me closer to him, saying something about how pretty the tree was. All of a sudden, I got kind of uncomfortable. Here it was, two in the morning, and I was standing in a deserted park-like area, with some guy I barely knew. I mean, I work with him, and I know he's not single, but aside from that, what did I really know? I didn't want to be rude, but I pulled away a little bit, and started to head for home. He pulled me back over, started to give me another sort of back massage, and asked why I was hurrying off. Didn't I want to stay and look at the tree? Or maybe hang out for a while? I shook him away, said I was tired, and started walking more quickly back towards my apartment.

At my apartment door, he said good night, gave me a hug, and walked away. Now I feel badly--I guess there was no reason I ever should have felt uncomfortable. I know he's just a nice guy who wanted to do me a favor and walk me to the tree. But still, somethng about the whole thing feels so weird. I don't understand it, or why I felt the way I did.

In other unrelated news, I'm convinced I'm unfit for relationships, and will never again have the emotional strength it takes to be in one. But that's too personal a story, even for this blog. I just wanted to take note.

2004-12-01T01:43:00.000-05:00

The curse of me.

Okay, so I already complained about my poor broken mp3 player. The upshot on that is that it will cost $100 to fix. I'm not sure if it's worth it to invest in it, or if I should think about a new one, or what exactly I should do.

About the time I lost her, I also looked down at my watch one afternoon and thought to myself, "Wow, it's earlier than I thought." I then looked at my computer clock and saw that it was in fact the time I'd thought it was. My watch had stopped. I don't know a good watch repair place around here, so I sent it to my mom, so she could take it to the trusted little watch repair store we love at home. She brought it back to me on Thanksgiving, but I was on the train back, and it hadn't even left yet when I realized that it had stopped again. And the thing is, I love this watch. It was my college graduation present from my parents, and it's engraved with my name and the graduation date. I was supposed to have her for a lifetime, not a year and a half. I sent her back for more fixing, but I'm skeptical. Now, not only am I missing the keepsake, but I never have any idea what time it is. I have to take my cellphone out all the time to look at the time, but when I'm talking to people, this looks like I'm being rude and checking to see if anyone's calling! I want to tell them all I'm not, but the broken watch story always seems like a complicated thing to interrupt conversation with. I have to have my watch back!

Earlier that day, my dad had been about to zip up my suitcase for me. I was busy doing something when he called over to ask if something was wrong with the zipper. I hadn't thought anything was wrong with it, but a closer look revealed that it was entirely broken. Again, not a big deal if it had been some little suitcase, but this was my great big suitcase, the one I took on my trip to Africa, to Italy, the one that fits almost everything I own. It's huge. And full of memories. I can't let her go!

I got home later that day and excitedly plugged my laptop back in. I downloaded all my e-mail from the days I'd been away, and started to respond to it. And couldn't. For some reason, Eudora didn't feel like sending e-mail that day. Or any day since. I can still read and respond to e-mail on the web, but I have my mailboxes and everything all set up in Eudora! I need her!

Without my mp3 player, I was forced to resort to an old Discman. But okay, I used Discmen for years--they're not fabulous little mp3 players, but they play music just as well. Or some of them do. Not the one I found under my desk at home yesterday and took to a coffee shop today at lunch, with plans to have a hot chocolate, look at the twinkly lights in the window, and listen to Christmas music. This Discman apparently doesn't play music at all, even when you put a CD in and press "play." Come on, portable music is a need at this point. I think I need it more than food or water. Especially at Christmas!

I got home tonight, lit my Christmas candles, ready to relax, convinced that I didn't even own anything else that could break. I got in my pajamas, took out a book, and settled in to enjoy "the soft sounds of Christmas," which is what that Christmas CD promises. I walked over to the stereo, put in the CD, pressed "play." Nothing. Some weird frantic rotating sounds. Pressed it again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Turned the stereo off. Back on. Music! Peaceful, beautiful, Christmas music. For five minutes. Before the skips started. For the rest of the night, about one in three songs would play without incident. The rest would either be full of skips or get stuck in one spot, kind of like an old record when it gets decayed and broken.

I'm totally cursed.

2004-11-29T19:01:00.000-05:00

I love this season.

I just got back from Walgreens, where I'd gone to buy shower gel, a nail file, and a garbage can. I came back with one small potted Christmas tree, four big fat red scented Christmas candles, two long skinny white Christmas candles, and five bags of little dark chocolate candies with the foil wrappers made up to look like presents. Now I'm home, getting ready to go to work, and all the candles are burning. My apartment smells like cinnamon (or, well, some cinnamon-berry mixture, since two of the candles are "Cinnamon Spice" and two are "Holiday Berry"), the lights on my tree and the candles are all twinkling, and I'm listening to the Muppets sing "Silent Night" on the CD player.

I love this season.

2004-11-29T00:56:00.000-05:00

Crowds at Rockefeller Center watching the skating rink there

2004-11-29T00:55:00.000-05:00

A Christmas window at department store Lord & Taylor

2004-11-29T00:53:00.000-05:00

Me, walking around on Thanksgiving Day

2004-11-29T00:52:00.000-05:00

The parade people were inflating the Big Bird balloon as we watched.

2004-11-29T00:50:00.000-05:00

Picture from my weekend: One of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons, the night before the parade

2004-11-28T21:32:00.000-05:00

Back home from Thanksgiving!

A good break with much Christmas fun and shopping for all. After Thanksgiving Day, we spent much time wandering around the city, looking at the decorations and exploring the stores (like this one, this one, and this one.) We also watched skaters at Rockefeller Center and drank hot cocoa and generally had a wonderful time.

And now, I'm home, and the radio is playing all Christmas songs! I love this season!

2004-11-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

Absence explained.

Okay, well, now I'm sure that tiny readership has wandered off for good. I never meant to be gone this long, but the last ten days have been both busy and Internet-access-free, so I haven't had time, energy, etc., etc. It's a bad excuse, and I know I deserve all the loss in readership that I get as a result.

So, what have I been up to? Well, last week, I was working a lot, watching a lot of Joan of Arcadia DVDs (they came!), and not really sleeping at all. I mean, if I get home at 2:30 in the morning, and have to get up at 8 am the next day, it's clearly time to watch at least two episodes? Right?

Then, I spent the last weekend in Boston, visting my best friend from childhood, Rebecca. We had a lot of fun, especially while shopping. Well, I had fun then. I will not have fun paying of the resulting credit card bill. We went to Newbury Street, which is this beautiful street of shops, and all the Christmas decorations were up. It was totally gorgeous, and totally purchase-inspiring.

I had the week off for Thanksgiving, so from Boston, I went to New Jersey, where my friends Dan and Spencer live. I was there for a couple of days, which was also, yes, a lot of fun. We didn't do all that much except hang out. They had been the last people I knew, except for my grandma, who didn't have cellphones, so we went to the mall and got those. (I tried to suspend bitter jealousy, even though their plans are better than mine. And their phones have like, forty different kinds of techno ringtones, whereas mine are limited to a couple of classical songs.)

And now, for Thanksgiving, my family is in New York for the week, which has been great. We've shopped, visited the Museum of Modern Art, Central Park, and, my personal favorite, the street where all the balloons for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade get inflated. (I have picture of this, but the Blogger software that I use to post pictures is not here. I will post them when I get home.) Now, we're about to go shopping again(busiest shopping day of the year, yay!). I wish that I'd had more Internet access/time to post on Thanksgiving about things I'm thankful for, but maybe I'll do a belated giving-thanks post when I get home on Sunday night.

Again, I'm so sorry that I've been gone so long, and I promise to do much better from now on. Really, truly promise. I'm so enthusiastic about Christmas, and I can't wait to write about lots of Christmassy things all the time! I've been looking forward to blogging about Christmas all year! I can't wait!

2004-11-13T22:19:00.000-05:00

Welcome, tea bar.

My otherwise boring Saturday, which consisted largely of lying on my bed, covered with a quilt, drifting in and out of naps, included one minor adventure, which was a trip to the new tea bar on the first floor of my building.

I wasn't really sure what to expect, not ever having been to a tea bar before, and, as it turned out, the tea bar had many new and unfamiliar rituals confusing to me and all other patrons. When I entered, there was a cash register and glass case of desserts, along with some tables with knives and forks wrapped up in paper napkins. Okay, mixed signals here. The cash register and dessert case suggested a coffeehouse type drill, where you get your drink and dessert and go sit down, but the knife and fork at each table definitely indicated sit-down waitservice. I stood by the cash register in confusion for a few minutes before someone asked if I'd like to sit down. Okay, table service.

Then, the friendly waitress handed me an enormous bamboo-covered menu including about a hundred different kinds of tea and such unusual specialties as tea soda and tea lattes. Wanting something new, but not too adventurous, I chose a pot of cinnamon spice tea.

Then sat, waited, watched others come in and try to sort out the do-we-wait-to-be-seated-or-do-we-order-here dilemma. Enjoyed their puzzled looks, since I was now one of the initiated, one of the ones who had it all figured out.

Or so I thought. Soon, the waitress returned with a pot of hot water with one of those loose-tea thingies lowered into it. She then set down a small timer on the table, pushed some buttons, and said, "We recommend brewing the tea for five minutes." She then muttered something I couldn't really understand about returning to take my loose-tea thingie.

The digital display on the timer was counting down. 4:58...4:42...4:31. The tea smelled delicious. I returned to my book, content to sit there and smell the cinnamon while I read. A few seconds later, however, I looked up to notice that the timer had stopped at 4:19. Uh oh. What now? Was the timer broken? Should I summon the waitress? Then again, what if I just had to press a simple little button to get it started again? She'd think I was a total idiot. Maybe I should just leave it alone. But the thing had stopped. If I just let it sit there, I'd end up never taking the tea thingie out. Maybe it hadn't stopped. Had the display really ever been changing? Maybe I'd imagined it. Maybe the display just didn't ever change. Okay, probably not. I looked for a button to press to get it started again. I tried one. The clock began counting down again. Yay!

After four more minutes and nineteen more seconds, the timer went off. Now, was I supposed to take the tea thingie out myself or wait for someone to do it for me? It was a little complicated-looking, but I could (probably) get it out by myself. Then again, maybe that wasn't part of the tea bar routine. I looked around in confusion as the timer beeped. Suddenly, the waitress noticed the beeping, and ran over to my table, where she turned off the loud beeping, produced a tiny porcelain dish, and put the loose tea thingie in that.

Just as I thought I'd finished with the new and special routines of the tea bar, the waitress ran over again. "I forgot to give you your sample!" she exclaimed. She handed me a small cup of what, I learned, was "not tea, but a tea-like substance with a lemon zest. Making me think, what's the difference between tea and a tea-like substance? I would think that it was made by soaking a non-tea plant in water, but I don't think there is any one tea plant. I think you can make tea from lots of plants, right? The leaves in my Lipton bags are not from the same plant as the little flowers in my chamomile tea bags. So why are those both tea, and the plant used to make the sample substance with the lemon zest not tea?

Pondering weighty questions such as these, I drank the (delicious) lemon non-tea, along with the cinnamon tea, and left. With over ninety teas left to try, I'll definitely be back!

2004-11-13T01:58:00.000-05:00

I'm loving these memes so much. I realize everyone else is sick of them, but I had to do this one! From Rick:

Ten movies you'd watch over and over:
1. Moonstruck
2. Overboard
3. The Hunchback of Notre Dame
4. Titanic
5. Boys Don't Cry
6. Monster
7. Clueless
8. Evita
9. The Muppet Christmas Carol
10. Christmas Eve on Sesame Street

Nine people you enjoy the company of:
1. tg
2. Mom
4. Dad
5. best friend from elementary school, Rebecca
6. other close high school friend Jessica
7. close "now" friend Dan
8. close "now" friend Tom
9. co-worker Angela

Eight things you're wearing:
1. brown tweed coat with shearling collar (I'm about to go out.)
2. jeans
3. sweater that is either very light green or very light yellow, depending on your opinion
4. white long sleeved shirt
5. hoop earrings
6. gray striped socks
7. cream colored bra
8. cream colored thong (I realize that's kind of tmi, but I'm not wearing more than eight things, so I had to include it. Sorry, all.)

Seven things on your mind:
1. Whether this freezing rain will turn into full-fledged snow
2. Whether renting The Stepford Wives with Angela tonight is going to be fun.(UPDATE since I started working on this: It was.)
3. Whether the Joan of Arcadia tape I made will have worked this week (UPDATE: It didn't. And it was an important episode this week! Ahhh!)
4. Whether I like my pink woolly gloves or my black leather gloves better
5. Whether I have any blog readers at all
6. Whether I'm going to like the new tea bar that opened up under my apartment
7. Whether I should try to decorate my blog for Christmas, and if so, how

Six objects you touch every day:
1. laptop!
2. bedside lamp
3. teapot
4. pink woolly gloves
5. cellphone
6. doorknob

Five things you do every day:
1. type
2. walk
3. read
4. talk
5. eat

Four bands (etc) that you couldn't live without:
1. Bruce Springsteen
2. Rascal Flatts
3. Johnny Cash
4. Evanescence

Three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1. "Time" by Chantal Kreviazuk
2. "Me and Emily" by Rachel Proctor
3. "Outfit" by the Drive By Truckers

Two people who have influenced your life the most:
1. & 2. My parents

One person who you love more than anyone in the world:
1. tg

2004-11-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

The Friday Feast, from Wild Scorpy:

Appetizer
Name 3 cosmetics/toiletries that you use on a daily basis.
Eyeliner, brown eyeshadow, mascara

Soup
Approximately how much exercise do you get per week, and what type of exercise is it (walking, running, swimming, etc.)?
Uh, not much. Sometimes I take walks on the weekends. I tried gym-going this summer, but never got into the routine. I sense a New Year's resolution here...

Salad
Write a sentence including your favorite color and your favorite food.
Spaghetti with my mom's sauce is red, but not usually raspberry-colored. (My favorite color is that sort of pink-toned deep red that stores always call "raspberry." I realize that's sort of a complicated explanation for a favorite color. I think I might need to try to love something simpler, like blue.)

Main Course
What famous person/celebrity do you think you look like?
I've never been told I look like any celebrity. If I had to pick one...maybe the Abominable Snowman?

Dessert
Name 2 simple things that never fail to make you happy.
tg's laugh, light snowfalls (which we might get later tonight, yay!)

2004-11-11T23:40:00.000-05:00

I've been totally stuck, blog-wise, for the past two days. This hasn't really happened to me since I started up here at the enthusiast. Despite confusion and inner turmoil about my writer's block predicament, I figured I'd better post something or lose all of tiny readership.

Okay, here's something from today. Earlier today, I ordered Joan of Arcadia DVDs from someone who comments on the forums over at Television Without Pity. I PayPal-ed her $45, and she's supposed to send me the entire first season, and what we have so far of the second season. I've never bought something directly from an individual seller online before. No eBay or anything. I'm sort of terrified that she'll just take my $45 and run and I'll never see any DVDs.

Anyone? Experience with online sellers? How likely is this?

2004-11-09T23:46:00.000-05:00

I spent the past three hours camped in my bathroom.

I was peacefully watching the CMA awards (go, Whiskey Lullaby!), and trying to make my new universal remote change the radio stations on my stereo (which it still won't do), when all of a sudden, the power went out. Except in the bathroom.

So, last year, this happened, and it turned out that the whole block had lost power. We all camped out at the Starbucks just out of range of the power outage for a few hours, and then it came back on. Thinking the same thing had happened, I went outside in search of solidarity, or at least a management company maintenance person to tell me what had happened. Nothing. It's the first really cold night of the winter, and the block was almost deserted. That Starbucks is under renovation; no one was there. I wandered around some more. Nothing.

I called the management company's emergency number and left a message with the dispatcher, then returned to my apartment. I could have taken a book and my laptop to the all night convenience store/deli, but it was cold, I didn't want to walk anywhere, and I just really wanted my power back. Once in my dark apartment, I gathered my laptop, cellphone, book, chair, quilt, and beer (the bare necessities), and headed for the power-functional bathroom. Where I talked on the phone, determined that almost all my friends are in basically destructive relationships, drank, and waited for the power to come back on. Occasionally, the power in the bathroom would go out for a few seconds, I would freak out, and it would come back.

Then, one time, it went out for a whole minute. And came back on. Then went out again, another minute. Then, suddenly...it was all back.

Sadly, the new universal remote still doesn't work. And I missed the CMA awards, which come but once a year. Such is life.

2004-11-08T19:39:00.000-05:00

Slightly belated weekend update.

A nice weekend, totally unproductive in terms of getting things done, but nice. I didn't have to work, so I had every night to myself, which was definitely a nice change after last weekend's Halloween craziness.

On Friday, I stayed home in the early evening so I wouldn't miss Joan of Arcadia. It was great this week. But then again, ever since I've started watching, I've thought every show was great. For any of you who watch, the Joan-Adam video scene at the end made me cry, but watching Grace learn to open up to Luke makes me cry more. There's something about that relationship that really touches me. It seems very real to me.

Then, in the later part of the evening, I went out to see a play It was actually a musical revue type thing, with a bunch of different songs and dances. It was lots of fun. All the music was really good, and the performers were definitely talented.

The next day, tg and I went exploring in the neighborhood. The area around where I live has been gentrifying in the past year or so, so just venturing a block away from my apartment can often yield new restaurants and stores I've never visited before. We tried out a great new lunch place/bakery/bar where you can make your own little pizzas and salads. I had a pizza, and it was delicious. The only problem was that I ordered a little cream puff for dessert, and the guy working behind the bakery doesn't just hand me the cream puff from behind the counter, but instead pulls out a fancy glass plate and covers it in swirls of dark and white chocolate sauce, then places artistic dollops of whipped cream all over it, making it look like something you'd get in a restaurant for dessert, rather than a little bakery treat. Which was cool. Except then, when they rang it up, it cost $8. Not quite what I'd meant to pay for a tiny little cream puff. Oh well. Still yummy.

That evening, I went to a friend's surprise birthday party. And she seemed really surprised! It's so cool when that really works!

Sunday was a lazier day, just around here. Dinner with tg. Long conversation with my high school friend Jessica on the phone. I'm getting ready to plan her wedding shower over Christmas, so if anyone has any tips about fabulous wedding shower ideas, pass them along! Other long conversation with other long distance friend Spencer. Church. Not much else.

So...good weekend! Yours?

2004-11-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

Interesing article.

The article is about the growth of faith-oriented workplaces, focusing on a bank in Minnesota that prays with its clients. I think this phenomenon supposed to be a bad thing, at least from the point of view of church-state separation and that kind of thing. And I can certainly see how it raises problems with regard to religious discrimination in the workplace--I don't see how you can have a Christian bank that doesn't somehow discriminate against non-Christian employees, or even customers.

But I don't know. At the end, the article tells the story of a financially troubled couple who comes in to the bank and the banker holds their hands and prays with them, then takes them to a prayer meeting where other people from the community listen to their problems and offer prayer and spiritual guidance. The author of the article thinks that's weird, but I think there's something appealing about it. I hate how impersonal institutions like secular banks are. If I went into my large, secular bank and got upset about my financial problems, the bankers would just seem irritated and guide me out the door. They wouldn't take care of me, hold my hand, introduce me to a prayer group full of people who would genuinely want things to get better for me. If I'd gone to the Christian bank and had that kind of hand-holding experience, even if nothing got better for me, even if I didn't share all of the group's religious beliefs, I would at least feel less alone in my pain.

But then again, could you have this kind of thing without the religious element? Would it be possible to have a less impersonal set of workplaces without making them religious workplaces? Again, I wouldn't mind a religious workplace, but there are people who don't share my religious beliefs who might want a warm and caring bank without the prayer part. Would it work as well without the religious component?

I'm also thinking about this story in light of the election. It appears from the article that all the people--both the bank employees and bank clients-- in the story are fairly politically conservative, and presumably many of them voted for Bush. The article also makes the point that a lot of the middle-class people coming to the bank have a lot of financial problems, employment problems, the kind of problems that Kerry spent much more time on during the campaign. Do they not care that Kerry would have made it easier for them to get jobs, to get better loans, to get the kind of help they need to get out of their financial messes?

The people in the article obviously weren't used to relying on the government to solve those kinds of problems. Maybe they think the government can't, or that it shouldn't, or that it just won't. Instead, they want to rely more on their personal faith to solve their problems, rather than looking for big society-wide solutions. I don't think it's weird to rely on faith when you have a problem--of course that's what I do--but I also want the government to solve certain kinds of problems. I mean, I can't personally pray for everyone who's unemployed. I don't even know who they all are, and there are millions of them. But the government can get jobs and help for everyone who's unemployed, not just the people in one prayer group.

Anyway, I think I'm not making sense, so I'll stop. The short version of all of this: I want a friendlier bank.

2004-11-04T10:03:00.000-05:00

No more election talk, it is too sad.

Instead, a meme, from MylissAnn:

Name THREE of your...

1. Pet Peeves:
Rude store clerks, the guy in the alley outside my apartment who yells nonsense all day and night, people in front of me in line who have really complicated orders

2. Favorite Sounds:
Music, tg's voice, whistling tea kettle

3. Favorite Flavors of Candy:
Dark chocolate, peanut, cherry (not all together)

4. Biggest Fears:
Losing a loved one, being lonely, living a meaningless and empty life

5. Biggest Challenges:
Trying to like my body, trying not to obsess about pleasing other people, trying to be more confident.

6. Favorite Department Stores:
Marshall Fields, Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus (especially the online versions)

7. Most Used Words:
I don't know

8. Favorite Pizza Toppings:
Pepperoni, sausage, mushroom

9. Favorite Cartoon Characters:
Hmm, I've never really been into cartoons. Do Disney and other animated movie characters count? I'll assume they do. In which case, my favorites are Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame and then Crush and Peach from Finding Nemo

10. Movies Recently Watched:
Wow, nothing in forever. Let me try to remember...there was Criminal, The Village, Super Size Me.

11. Favorite Fruits:
Clementines, cherries, and green apples

12. Favorite Vegetables:
Tomatoes, cucumbers, sugar snap peas

2004-11-03T09:38:00.000-05:00

This morning, when I'm too depressed about the election to do anything, I went back to the speech that Illinois' Barack Obama (who won, yay!) made at the Democratic convention this summer, because I remember the spirit of optimism and hope it gave me then. I'm going to quote part of it here. It's long, but I like it anyway.

"...[W]e are connected as one people. If there's a child on the south side of Chicago who can't read, that matters to me, even if it's not my child. If there's a senior citizen somewhere who can't pay for her prescription and has to choose between medicine and the rent, that makes my life poorer, even if it's not my grandmother. If there's an Arab American family being rounded up without benefit of an attorney or due process, that threatens my civil liberties. It's that fundamental belief--I am my brother's keeper, I am my sisters' keeper--that makes this country work. It's what allows us to pursue our individual dreams, yet still come together as a single American family. "E pluribus unum." Out of many, one.

Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there's not a liberal America and a conservative America--there's the United States of America. There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States. There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and patriots who supported it. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.

In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? John Kerry calls on us to hope. John Edwards calls on us to hope. I'm not talking about blind optimism here--the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don't talk about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker's son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too. The audacity of hope!

In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation; the belief in things not seen; the belief that there are better days ahead. I believe we can give our middle class relief and provide working families with a road to opportunity. I believe we can provide jobs to the jobless, homes to the homeless, and reclaim young people in cities across America from violence and despair. I believe that as we stand on the crossroads of history, we can make the right choices, and meet the challenges that face us. America!"

It doesn't make me feel any better about the election results, but it does make me feel better about politics and the possibility that, no matter what, things can get better.

2004-11-03T01:21:00.000-05:00

Oh well.

I voted absentee in Wisconsin last week, for Kerry/Edwards (yay Edwards!), so I didn't do much election related stuff today, except go to a results watching party, which was fun. Funner at the beginning of the evening when I saw those exit polls that said that Kerry was going to win states like Ohio and Florida. How can the exit polls say one thing, and the results say something so different? Do people lie to exit pollers?

I'm also still at a loss to understand why anyone voted for Bush, let alone the majority of the country. Thoughts? I must have a couple conservative readers who can explain to me what you all like about him.

A third thing that puzzles me: how popular all those gay marriage amendments were. I don't understand how so many people can support civil unions, but not marriage. Uh, aren't they the same thing?

While most things about tonight are puzzling and/or depressing, I do think it's really cool that people waited for over 10 hours to vote. I mean, it's not cool that people have to wait for 10 hours, but I think it's exciting that people are that eager to participate, that people care that much about the direction our country's going in.

See, I'm trying to think happy thoughts.

2004-10-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

Highlights of last night's bar Halloween party:

Me, to guy dressed as cow: "Oh, how cute, a cow costume! I love cow costumes."

Sign carried by man in hooded black robe: "Mysterious hooded figures for Kerry."

Door staff person, to manager: "Maybe somebody should tell people to stop throwing condoms out the men's room window."

Man holding ball of red gunk, to me: "It's my bloody placenta! It's my bloody placenta! Will you hold my bloody placenta?"

Girl dressed as bee, to me: "Can I wait here by you for the rest of my hive to arrive?"

Me, to another guy dressed as cow : "Oh, another cow costume. I love cow costumes!"

Me, to guy wearing sweat suit with mangled bloody baby doll attached: "Eww!"

Me, around midnight, to new entrant: "We've had almost two thousand people here tonight, and you're the first dressed as a ghost."

Man in high heels, to me : "Why do you women wear these fucking things all the time? They hurt like hell."

Me, to a third patron dressed as cow: "Oh, another cow costume. I love cow costumes!"

Many drunk people, to me: (Note: I was wearing a pair of sparkly devil ears with my staff t-shirt) "What are you, like, a devil or something?"

Girl in tiny pink velour miniskirt, hoodie, and ears, to me: "Okay, I'm going to pay for me and the other two sexy little pigs."

Me, to a fourth cow costume guy, "Wow! I love cow costumes!"

Homeless guy, to me, as I finally walked home at 5 am: "Are you a good devil, or a bad devil?

Me, to that guy: "A good devil...I think."

2004-10-28T09:15:00.000-04:00

Night of anticipation and possibility.

Okay, I thought it was really cool that the Red Sox World Series victory and the lunar eclipse happened on the same night last night. At work, people kept running out of the bar to see the progress of the eclipse, then back in to see the progress of the Sox. Although, as one guy said to his girlfriend, "Come on, let's go back in. These eclipses, they happen a couple times a year. The Sox winning the World Series happens only once in a lifetime." (is that true, by the way, about the eclipses? I'd never seen one before yesterday, but maybe I've just been in a cave for all the 60-some others that have happened during my lifetime)

Anyway, I guess it was the most fun to watch people celebrating after the win. Yelling and screaming and hugging strangers and calling relatives. One girl ran outside to call her grandfather, saying "He's been waiting 76 years for this!" I thought it was particularly exciting that a curse was broken. But it was also fun to watch people during the eclipse, standing outside in the cold, heads turned up towards to moon, eyes transfixed in wonder. I guess that sounds sort of sentimental, but everyone was really amazed by it. As they came back inside, they would shake their heads and say, "That was so cool!"

The other topics on everyone's mind were the two big upcoming events: Halloween and the election. the two combined definitely contributed to a sense of anticipation, the feeling that big things are about to happen. I never get that into Halloween, but this year should be pretty interesting. The bar has a huge Halloween party every year. Last year, almost 2,000 people came, and lines to get in went around the block. They have some free drinks, free food, different DJs, a costume contest. Apparently, it gets pretty crazy--last year, one of the managers had to chase someone up the wall of the building to stop them from climbing in the men's room window. No one at work can stop talking about the upcoming party. It's dread mixed with a kind of excitement. Everyone seems so eager to tell me all the war stories from years past, coming up to me all night and saying things like, "Have you heard what Halloween is going to be like? Last year, there were two thousand people here." I heard that climbing-window story about twelve times last night.

Then, people are also talking a lot about the election. It's a little tense, because people are divided about where they stand, but it's something else that just keeps coming up. Some people seem to know a lot about different polls and about who's winning what state, and I keep hearing people guessing about different situations ("What happens if Bush wins Ohio and Kerry wins Florida...") After all these months, from first noticing John Edwards' adorable face during the primary season until now...I can't believe that, in less than a week, we'll (probably) know who our next president is.

I don't know. I always think that nothing ever happens, that my life is pretty boring. But last night, I kept thinking, if a hundred-year-old curse can be broken, the earth's shadow can cover the sun, entire governments can change in an evening, and everyone can get this worked up about Halloween, life can't be too boring, right? There's always the possibility that something amazing might happen. I can always have a sense of anticipation about the next big thing that just might happen today.

And if that thing doesn't happen? I still get to watch people pull each other off of walls on Saturday night.

2004-10-27T10:47:00.000-04:00

I love a parade.

In theory. But there is currently one going on outside my window, and I have to say, this is a very loud parade. It seems to have a lot of percussion, not too much by way of actual music.

Is there a parade-worthy holiday around now? Do people have Halloween parades?

(Note on deleted post. Yes, there was another post up last night. By the light of morning, it seemed a little emotional and insane, so it was deleted. Maybe I'll return to the subject sometime in a slightly less crazed way.)

2004-10-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

Advice needed on a completely random subject.

When I first got my stereo, six years ago now, I mostly used it to listen to CDs all the way through. I never listened to the radio, or, if I did, I would listen to just one station.

But in between then and now, I've started enjoying a number of different radio stations. Also in between then and now, I've moved several times. I think that this stereo did come with a remote control, but since I never needed it when I was just listening to CDs, I never used it. And since I never used it, I'm not sure it ever had one. But now that I like to switch between different stations based on what's playing, and since I would like to be able to do that from my desk, from bed, and from the kitchen, I would really like a stereo remote control.

What I don't want is to have to buy an entirely new stereo just to be able to use remote control. Does anyone know if it's possible to buy just a remote control that would work with my stereo? I've been to a few websites that sell replacement remotes, but those seem to require that you either know what the remote you're trying to replace looks like, or what its serial number is. Since I haven't seen this remote for years (if ever), I don't have that information. Then, some online stores sell really fancy, programmable universal remotes with color touch-screens and stuff, but I don't want to spend over a hundred dollars on a remote control. I might as well buy a new stereo.

Anyone know anything about stereo remote controls? Anyone? Anything?

2004-10-25T09:08:00.000-04:00

Scary things that terrify me in the middle of the night

Last night, around 4 am, I was fast asleep. For once, I'd gone to bed at a reasonable-ish hour, and I was all set to get a decent amount of sleep. Especially since I've been suffering from bad nightmares recently, and I was pretty tired. But, around 4, all of a sudden, I woke up to the sound of the door buzzer. Well, I wasn't sure it was the door buzzer. I heard a series of buzzes, but I was totally confused. I couldn't figure out if it was a noise from the street or from my cellphone or from my alarm clock. Totally confused, I sat up in bed, and heard the buzz again.

In my half-asleep, disoriented state, I decided the door buzzer was the most likely suspect. I went over to the intercom, pressed the "talk" button, and asked if anyone was there. I probably should've left it alone, but I thought that would help me figure out if that had in fact been the door buzzer. And if it had been, I thought, maybe it was someone I knew. After I said hello into the intercom, I heard a voice respond. I couldn't make out a word it said. I can't figure out now if that was because it was a drunk stranger, or just because the intercom isn't very good and I was still basically asleep.

But, since, for whatever reason, I couldn't figure out who was there, I certainly didn't want to press the button to let whoever it was into the building. So, I said into the intercom, "I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong apartment" and went back to bed. The buzzer sounded again as I walked away. I didn't respond, but instead hopped into bed. Just as I'd covered myself up again, and snuggled into the pillow, the buzzer sounded again.

I didn't go back to the intercom, but now I was terrified. I stayed awake for a long time after that, trying to imagine worst-case scenarios in which the scary door intruder got in and came to bang down my door. I pictured myself hiding in the bathroom, barricading myself in with the laundry hamper and calling 911. I wondered if I could successfully hide and pretend I wasn't there, then decided that my unmade bed would reveal to my attacker that I was in fact there. Eventually, I did fall asleep, and had more nightmares.

This morning, I still assume that it was some confused drunk person, but I'm still not sure. I'd feel terrible if it was someone I know, but I can't think of anyone I know who would just show up at 4 in the morning and not call first. Or at least call when he couldn't get in. Right?

2004-10-24T19:46:00.000-04:00

A covered bridge seen on our walk.

2004-10-24T19:45:00.000-04:00

Wow, so, busy weekend. My parents came to visit, which was great. We ate lots of delicious food, hung out, went to a concert, and, on Saturday afternoon, took a long walk to see fall foliage and other attractive trees. It was starting to get chilly out, but not painful-cold yet. I love fall!

My digital camera-owning mom brought said camera along, so I have a couple of pictures to post, yay! (A digital camera tops my Christmas list, so I'm hoping my sad digital-camera-less state won't persist for too long.)

2004-10-22T21:13:00.000-04:00

Oh no! I just tried to tape new favorite show Joan of Arcadia and I failed! This is horrible! I waited all week to watch,and I was so excited!

Anyone tape it? Anyone?

2004-10-21T01:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, so, growing up in Wisconsin, I should understand all about really passionate sports fans. Even though I don't know a lot about sports, everyone I knew was really into the Packers, and I even rooted for them. I mean, I never watched a whole game or anything, but if I heard that the Packers were playing, especially in something big like a Super Bowl, I would have this slight little spurt of positive emotion towards them. I would rather they win than some other team I'd never heard of, but that was about it.

So when tonight at work, they were going to show the Yankees-Red Sox game, I didn't think very much about it. As the bar filled up, I began to get the sense that people thought something exciting might happen, but I still didn't really get what was going on. People kept coming up to me and demanding, "Red Sox or Yankees?" I asked my co-worker's boyfriend what was going on, and he explained that this game determined which team would go to the World Series, and that the Red Sox hadn't gotten to go since 1918. He said something about a curse.

Okay, so that made it easier to figure out who to support. I have a lot of sympathy for underdogs, so I was all about the Red Sox. Which was also good, because it turned out that the bar tonight was populated largely by Red Sox fans. Very enthusiastic ones. I've really never seen such enthusiastic yelling and cheering and howling. And when the Red Sox won, people were so happy. I mean, by that point, I was happy too, both for rooting-for-the-underdog reasons and just because everyone else was so happy. People were screaming into cellphones, hugging their friends. One guy was wandering around saying, "I'm so overcome with emotion. I just can't believe this" and looking a little misty-eyed.

It was really fun to watch. I've never fully understood displays like this, but this was great, and I only wanted to be more of a part of it. Maybe I should become a sports fan. I need a team. The Red Sox? Are there other good underdog teams? Any suggestions?

2004-10-19T01:56:00.000-04:00

Shit, I hear a mouse. Let's place bets. Will it

a) go away before I have to see it

b) get stuck on a trap, forcing me to listen to it try to break free all night (I'd free it if I could, but I don't know how to get them off those glue traps the management puts out.)

c) evade the trap, run around the apartment and ultimately go back where it came from

d) evade the trap, run around the apartment, and never leave (my greatest fear)

I was about to go to the kitchen to do dishes, but that's where I hear it. Now I'm terrified. I picture it running out from behind the stove, over my foot...ew....

2004-10-19T01:50:00.000-04:00

Today, I went to the store to buy some powder. I've used the same powder forever, Clinique Matte Beige (otherwise known as shade #2). I relish how easy the powder-buying transaction is. I know exactly what I want, I can come in, ask for it, the clerk knows exactly what I mean, gets it for me, I pay, I'm done.

But today, I came in, made my request as usual, and the girl behind the counter looked puzzled. "Uh, we don't have that color," she said. I said that I was sure that she did, I'd been buying it from that store for the past five years. Shaking her head, she pulled out the drawer containing the boxes of powder, both pressed and loose, and had me come take a look. I didn't see my powder. "But I'm sure you have it," I insisted. Gathering more evidence to support her case, she retrieved a case of powder samples. Again, there were pressed powders and loose powders there, but no Matte Beige.

"Did you change colors recently?" I asked. No, she said, not recently. Certainly not in the last few weeks. I was stumped. Admitting defeat, I looked at the tray of samples she had out, picked a color that looked like the beige I was used to, and said I would buy that. She went to a second drawer, not the one she'd opened at first, and searched among the boxes to find my new choice. I peered over her shoulder, and noticed a row of boxes she wasn't looking at. There it was! Matte Beige, color #2, just like I'd wanted. I pointed it out to her. She gave me an accusatory look and said, with venom in her voice, "That's not powder. That's makeup."

Uh, what? What's the difference between powder and makeup? Isn't powder a kind of makeup? If I'd gone in and asked for "Matte beige makeup," surely she would have thought I was insane. She'd want to know what kind--powder, blush, eyeshadow. True the box that my powder comes in reads "Superpowder. Double Face Makeup," but having the word "makeup" there on the box doesn't make it not powder, right?

I'm still confused.

2004-10-17T22:08:00.000-04:00

Very busy weekend!

On Friday night, I went out for dinner with a couple of friends, then I went home to watch Joan of Arcadia for the first time. As I said in my last post, I've been obsessively reading and re-reading plot summaries on Television Without Pity, but I'd never actually seen the show. And I loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it. It made me cry at the end, the best kind of TV show!

Then, after that, a new friend from my new job, a girl who I'd worked with on Wednesday, invited me to go to a party with her. It was a karaoke party, which is a good sign, because tiny readership knows how much I love karaoke. I was a little embarassed about singing in front of all these people I didn't know, so I just watched. But I liked her a lot, and liked her friends, so I'm hoping to get to hang out with them more.

Then, on Saturday, tg and my friend Tom and I went out for Chinese food, and then I had my pumpkin party. I ended up with some food that tasted like pumpkins (pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream. pumpkin raisin nut bread, pumpkin muffins), some food that looked like pumpkins (pumpkin shaped sugar cookies; pumpkin shaped Peeps; littls bags of pretzels with pumpkins on the bags; little bags of cheese curls, also with pumpkins on the bags, brownies with pumpkin shaped candies in them), and then a vegetable tray with hummus, which didn't have anything to do with pumpkin. I was a little disappointed in how the party went. People came late, didn't stay very long, and didn't eat or drink much. On the up side, this means I have a refrigerator full of pumpkin pie and Sam Adams Oktoberfest.

Today, I went for a long walk with Tom in the park, around where there's a lake and some paths. The fall foliage was just beautiful. It was incredible. I mean, I've seen fall trees before, but everything was such a brilliant red and orange this afternoon, I can't remember ever seeing it quite like that. Then, in the evening, we went to see a reading by an author we both really like, David Sedaris. It was really funny. Now, I'm home, first talking to my friend Spencer on the phone, now catching up on blogs and email.

Wow, I'm thinking about it now, and those were just the greatest fall trees ever. Go trees.

2004-10-16T10:35:00.000-04:00

I realize I'm overdoing it on the memes, but I like reading the Friday Feast over at Wild Scorpy's so much that, well, I just have to do my own. I also realize it's Saturday, not Friday, thus making it the wrong day for the Friday Feast.

So, many things are not right with this post. But I'll do a real, better one later today, promise! (for all of you at the edges of your seats...)

Appetizer
What is your favorite beverage?

Hot cocoa

Soup
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.

Here at home? Peach hand lotion, a beanie baby mammoth, a large bottle of Vitamin C Acerola Plus tablets

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?

Uh, probably 6. I try to be honest, but I end up telling a lot of little lies when the real story is just too complicated. Or when I need to save someone's feelings.

Main Course
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?

Uh...no idea. I like the Friday Feast, but these questions that require creativity are always a little too challenging for me.

Dessert
What stresses you out? What calms you down?

Stresses me out? Conflict of any kind, worries about dating, weight.
Calms me down? Lots of things! Listening to music, hanging out with tg, talking to friends, watching movies, cooking, reading blogs, taking long walks, eating.

2004-10-14T21:40:00.000-04:00

A meme, from DeAnn

1. Tell me something obvious about you. I tend to be enthusiastic about things I like. Which are most things.

2. Tell me something about you that many don't know. I've never seen the show, but I obsessively read all the Joan of Arcadia recaps on Television Without Pity

3. What is your biggest fear? Losing my family.

4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut? Depends on my mood. Usually the safe route.

5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money. To fall in love with someone who's in love with me

6. What is your most treasured possession? My Cabbage Patch Doll. Also my journal and photos

7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often? Obsess about my weight

8. Tell me something sexual about you that I don't know. I always fantasized about my high school teachers

9. Tell me something sexual about you that everyone knows. Uh, what sexual thing would everyone know?

10. What is your favorite lie to tell? "Everything's fine!"

11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again. Travel to Africa

12. Are you the jealous type? Yeah. I admit it

13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to? Going out on the weekend

14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you? That's way too hard.

15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be? Quit everything, go waitress in northern Michigan

16. When was the last time you cried? When I watched Titanic a couple weeks ago.

17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered? On vacation in Italy this summer

18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on? I guess I'd be worried about arrest, but not embarrassed

19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk. Crawl around the floor with someone's pet ferret, insisting that the acquaintance re-name the ferret after me.

2004-10-14T02:05:00.000-04:00

When I was eating dinner tonight (a failed experiment in roasted red peppers), I was thinking about friendship. This is not something I usually think abotu explicitly, but the set of thoughts I'm about to describe wandered in around dinnertime and haven't left since.

I used to think that my family and friends were the absolute center of my life, that they gave my life all its joy and purpose and meaning. While that's definitely still true regarding family, and while I think it's true regarding friends, it's gotten more complicated.

I have lots of close friends, but over time, most of them have moved away (or, in the case of Wisconsin friends, I moved away). We're all spread out all over the place, trying new things, learning about new places, finding our ways in life. That's how it's supposed to be, I guess, but having close friends in a million different places isn't having close friends nearby. Having close friends spread out from Boston to Mozambique means lots of obligations I don't have time to fill, lots of letters that haven't been written, lots of phone calls I haven't returned, lots of train tickets I haven't bought yet. But it also means dinners by myself, stories from my day that no friend hears, Friday nights spent at boring parties with acquaintances. It means time spent trying to meet new people, when in reality, I already have plenty of good friends, just not here.

This is hard, because I want my close friends to be back at the center of my life. I want them all to hear my stories, to know the cast of characters of my life here by name, to share long dinners and Friday nights singing karaoke, to infuse my daily life with the joy and meaning they used to give it when we lived in the same town. But none of my friends have any plans to congregate in the same place any time soon. Even if I decided that this was it, I was ready to settle down and create a lifelong community of close friends, no one else would be ready. People here, people my age, move constantly, trying new things, going new places. And those experiences are valuable, but there's something valuable about staying together too.

Thoughts, tiny readership? In a world where no one stays anywhere anymore, how do I make sure that my friends stay an integral part of my life?

2004-10-13T09:35:00.000-04:00

Enthusiasm time!

My mind is drawing a total blank here, guys. I haven't done anything of interest in the past couple days....nothing. There must be something I can be enthusiastic about!

I know. There's pumpkins. I love pumpkins. It is certainly pumpkin time of year--I've seen a lot of pumpkin stuff around, I had some pumpkin ice cream the other day....yum.

Over this coming weekend, I'm thinking of having a few people over and serving some pumpkin themed food. I have pumpkin pie and pumpkin ice cream. Can anyone think of any original pumpkin food that I might not think of? Are there pumpkin flavored drinks I might be able to get? Pumpkin chips?

Thoughts?

2004-10-10T23:28:00.000-04:00

Weekend update.

This was a really nice weekend. Go, weekends!

Especially nice was last night. Telling you all why it was so nice requires a little background. When I started high school, I didn't have too many friends. I would sit at home on weekend nights, doing cool things like watching videos with my parents and writing in my journal about how I was a miserable lonely freak.

Then, as high school went on, I managed to find the most wonderful group of friends. They went out all the time, hung out for hours after school, talked on the phone all the time, everything I'd been dreaming about. I never had to be alone on a weekend night again.

When I moved away after high school, and was all alone out here, the weekend nights were always the hardest part. I felt like that old pathetic Claire again, sitting at home at her desk, writing sad thoughts in her journal. Without even the parents for videos. I would occasionally call high school friends, but would often find them out having fun. I was miserable all over again.

As soon as I made some friends out here and got to know people, going out on weekend nights became an absolute compulsion. The following equations implanted themselves in me: Out on Friday and Saturdays=Okay. Home on Fridays or Saturdays=Lonely and pathetic.

As I made friends, this led to the kind of crazy behavior I would associate with someone who has a real compulsion. I made plans on Mondays and Tuesdays for the weekends ahead, because I could only relax if I knew my weekends were full. Sometimes, I would ask a friend if he or she was free to go out on the weekend, and I would get an, "Uh, maybe. I'll give you a call." But that wasn't good enough! I needed plans. So, I would find someone else to go out with, and then the first person would call, and then I'd wind up double booked, and have to cancel on someone. Or to do all these bizarre maneuvers so I could accomodate multiple people. These often involved leaving things early claiming tiredness, running someplace else to meet someone else, then, on occasion, leaving the second thing early, going somewhere else.

This has been my general attitude towards weekends for the last five years. This weekend, it became clear to me on Monday that I did not in fact have plans for this Saturday night. I casually mentioned to a friend that she should give me a call if she was around on Saturday evening, and she said that she might call, but that she might not be around.

Of course, my impulse was to then call anyone else I could think of to make other plans, after all, what if she never called? But then, it struck me that maybe, if she didn't call, I could just stay home. Snuggle up under a blanket, read blogs, watch TV, listen to the radio, whatever. Listen to people yell and have fun outside on the street, but not actually myself leave the apartment all night.

Which is what I did. I had an early dinner with tg, then she went out to a play, and I stayed here. I wrapped myself up in a quilt, turned on the radio, and read blogs all night. tg stopped by after the play and hung out for a while. That was it. No leaving the apartment.

And I really liked it. A lot. I liked the snuggling, liked the radio, liked the blogs. And liked the pressure lifting, liked knowing that if I had to stay home alone for lots of weekend nights in the future, I would like them. There wouldn't be anything wrong with me, I wouldn't be miserable. I'd just be me, here in my apartment, by choice. And that was pretty exciting.

2004-10-08T13:48:00.000-04:00

The Friday Feast, from Wild Scorpy

Appetizer
What are your plans for the upcoming weekend?

Tonight, I'm going to have dinner with my friend Dan, and then a group of us are going to watch the presidential debate at a bar. Then go out someplace after that. The rest of the weekend, no plans, except for going out to dinner with tg tomorrow.

Soup
Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?

Dan, five minutes ago, to try to figure out where we want to eat.

Salad
Name a hobby that you've tried but eventually gave up for some reason.

Playing the viola. I did it all through high school, hated it, stuck with it until I graduated, then quit.

Main Course
What is the most important personality quality in a mate?

Kindness and enthusiasm (sorry for cheating and putting both, but each one is too important not to write down!)

Dessert
Why is the sky blue (be creative with your answer)?

Uh, I'm not so creative. Just read Wild Scorpy's. Hers is funny.

2004-10-08T02:14:00.000-04:00

First night at the new job.

I think it went okay. I thought I'd have lots of funny stories of stupid things I did wrong, but as it turned out, the only thing I consistently did wrong (That I was aware of. I probably gave eighty million people too much change, but if I did, I don't know about it.) was forget to push the counter. I was supposed to take people's cover charges to get in, and then press a little counter device thingie so they could count how many people came in. I never, ever, remembered, even though the girl who was training me told me thirty thousand times to remember to do it. So, in the quieter moments, when there weren't a million people lined up to pay, I would just click on it a bunch of times, but I'm sure that the final number didn't even closely relate to the number of people in there.

Otherwise, I thought it was all right. The good, the bad, the ugly:

The good:

*Only getting yelled at about the counter thing, not about anything else.

*My co-workers seem nice. Some of the bartenders seem a little cliquish, but basically, everyone was friendly.

* I don't mind the t-shirt I have to wear. I mean, I'm going to get sick of it, but I think it's sort of exciting to have a t-shirt that says, "STAFF" in big red letters on the back. It makes me feel like a big scary bouncer.

* Dumping out all the recycling during cleanup. It makes a series of huge satisfying breaking noises. It's like I imagine throwing china would be, it gets out all my life frustrations.

The bad:

*Sorting the beer bottles at the end of the night. I'm already sick of that.

*Three tiny skinny girls with Louis Vuitton purses who came in, bitched about having to pay, and informed me that "they'd never had to pay cover here before." What did they think, that I was going to be like, "Oh, yeah, right, sorry! Go right ahead!" No one else working at the door seemed to have any idea who they were either and no one else seemed at all inclined to waive their cover for any other reason.

*This place has a big Halloween party, and I'm scheduled to work during it, on the Saturday night of Halloween weekend. Okay, that's fine, but when I asked if I could wear a costume, I was told no, I have to wear my t-shirt. I worked out a compromise under which I get to wear a witch's hat with my t-shirt.

The ugly:

* Me (okay, just kidding. I mean, maybe I am, but since everyone accuses me of putting myself down too much, I just had to get that one in there.)

* Trying to do work and make conversation at the same time. I knew a couple people who came in tonight, and one of them, this guy I don't know very well, stationed himself right next to me for most of the evening and kept talking to me. I like him, and I enjoy talking to him, but it was hard enough to figure out how to do everything without also having to keep up an interesting conversation. Now I think was boring and rude.

But overall, I think this is going to be really okay. I mean, talk to me in a few months, but for now, so far, so good!

2004-10-07T19:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm off to my first night at new job! Wish me luck!

2004-10-07T14:22:00.000-04:00

Deep thoughts from the blogosphere.

Today, nothing happened. I came home, had dinner with a couple of friends, read, talked on the phone. Nothing.

But now, some of my favorite blogs are being their usual thought-provoking selves, so I'll highlight a couple here.

Curtis is posting about that book that people have been posting about, the one that says if a guy isn't actively pursuing you, he's not into you. This I do not understand. I mean, I guess guys are sort of a different species. Maybe. But if I'm into someone, I'm always terrified that he might not like me back, terrified of rejection. And that fear makes me act differently and not-so-boldly. Don't guys feel that too? Doesn't it sometimes stop them from pursuing women they like?

Then, Zandria is talking about taking risks and doing with your life the things that you feel you have to do. I think a lot about this stuff these days. I don't have anything good to add to what she says, so just read hers!
On a similar note, Bad Penguin is talking about how some people want to pack up everything they have and just move somewhere totally different. Which I want to do a lot these days.

Faith is posting digital pictures. Making me wish I had a digital camera.

A new favorite blog, Pink Stiletto, has a different philosophy of blogrolling than I do. She likes it when people list their most favorite blogs in a sort of smaller blogroll. As you can tell from my miles-long blogroll, that's not really my way of doing it. Here's my thoughts on blogrolling. I try to go through my blogroll once a day. I can't always, but I try to hit everyone on it at least once every couple days. I love everyone on it! I can't imagine narrowing it down. I mean, I have people with lots of different writing styles, life stories, blog types (some humor, some political, lots personal), etc., etc. I like having a wide variety. That's why I started blogging, to get to know lots of people different from me. And if someone is linking to me? I'm still so surprised that anyone reads what I have to say here, that, when I discover a new reader, I'm just automatically curious about what that person is like. So I'll start reading that person. Also, if someone likes my voice, there's probably some part of my blog personality that resonates with them, and chances are, something about his or hers will also resonate with mine. That's why I always recipricroll. Besides, doesn't anyone else get a just a teeny bit hurt when a blogger you adore has ten favorite blogs and you're not one of them? Or when you're commenting all the time on someone's blog, and that person won't link to you? Doesn't it make anyone else think, "Come on, am I that bad?"

Also, I think that, from here on out, "recipricroll" needs to be an official verb. Weird nouns that just entered common usage within the past year always make the best verbs.

Okay, I have lots more thoughts on lots more blogs, but I have to go to bed. I was back drinking espresso-coffee mixtures today to stay awake. Although if that drunk girl outside my window doesn't stop pounding on the apartment building intercom, crying, and screaming, "Let me in!" I'm not going to be sleeping anytime soon.

2004-10-06T23:50:00.000-04:00

Note for any country music fans. I found a new country artist whom I absolutely adore, Katrina Elam. Her new CD just came out, and I downloaded some of the songs. "Normal," "No End In Sight," and especially "Strong Anything" are absolutely fabulous.

2004-10-05T21:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know this debate isn't over yet, but come on? John Edwards is so cute and so earnest. And Cheney? Voted against Head Start, Martin Luther King, and Nelson Mandela.

2004-10-05T19:38:00.000-04:00

The past couple of days, in bullet points.

* The biggest thing to report is that I got a second job, working at a bar about a block away! I'm going to work there a couple nights a week, hoping it's not going to be too stressful, but a good way to make a little extra money. I was nervous about applying, and didn't want to tell anyone until I actually got it, but I had the interview yesterday, and I just heard back today. I start on Friday night.

* The mice seem to have left, for now. New traps have been obtained and set. In other apartment repairs, a long-broken drain in the kitchen has also now been fixed.

* My hair dryer broke, requiring me to go to Walgreens and purchase a new one. I bought the same model I'd had before. And the time before that. This model tends to break. But I'm scared of change, so I just keep on buying it.

* The parking lot tomato? Is gone. I think someone stole it. It endures in my heart anyway.

* Tim McGraw and LeAnn Rimes songs are newly available for MusicMatch download. Yay!

*Tonight is the vice presidential debate. I am so excited. Okay, I realize it is not so normal to be this excited about a debate, but I just love John Edwards. He is so cute and so smart and such a good speaker. I love his adorable little kids. I love his wife. I love everything about him. This is going to be great!

2004-10-03T03:19:00.000-04:00

Of mice and sinking ships

A fun night--great dinner with tg, brief stop at a party, then home for, uh, more Titanic. I'm a tiny little bit obsessed.

So, things went well, until I discovered, for the first time since last May, two mice in my traps. That is not good news. I've tried the pest-a-cator thing they sell at Walgreens. I've tried glue traps. Any other suggestions?

2004-10-02T01:19:00.000-04:00

I hosted a really great dinner party tonight. After that, I stopped by someone else's party, where I think no one liked me, but at least I had a really great outfit. I have this sparkly lace shawl, and I tied it around me like a tube top, and it sort of draped down over my slacks...it was lots of fun.

Anyway, but when things go basically without incident, there's nothing to report. So I'm going to do a meme, the Friday Feast one that one of my favorite bloggers, Wild Scorpy, did earlier today. I mean, it's after midnight, so I guess it's not technically Friday anymore, but what can you do?

Appetizer
What sound, other than the normal ringing, would you like your telephone to make?

Mine plays something called "Bach Minuet," which ends up being a classical thing with a sort of digital-rock beat. It draws way more attention to me than I'd like, but I never recognize the more generic rings as mine, so they don't work so well with me.

Soup
Describe your usual disposition in meteorological terms (partly cloudy, sunny, stormy, etc.).

Sunny, but with occasional dark clouds and then the even more occasional thunderstorm

Salad
What specific subject do you feel you know better than any other subjects?

I don't know much about any subjects. But I guess there must be one where my small quantity of knowledge exceeds the even smaller quantity of knowledge I have about the others. I know. The scripts of various Christmas movies, especially those for children. It's A Wonderful Life? The Muppet Christmas Carol? All-time favorite Christmas Eve on Sesame Street? I know all about those.

Main Course
Imagine you were given the ability to remember everything you read for one entire day. What books/magazines/newspapers would you choose to read?

History books, probably. I'd love to be able to rattle off lots of important names and dates.

Dessert
If a popular candy maker contacted you to create their next candy bar, what would it be like?

Dark chocolate, a layer of raspberry filling above a thick layer of cream.

2004-10-01T01:24:00.000-04:00

A pretty busy day, not much to note except for three things.

Thing One: I had dinner at a friend's apartment, and we had instant macaroni and cheese and I really liked the brand. I think it was called Annie's. I think I will eat it every night from now on. If I can remember for sure what it was called.

Thing Two: After dinner, I went with a bunch of people to a bar that was having a debate watching event. I was a little concerned that there would be so much bar noise that I wouldn't hear any debate, but I guess people don't go to a debate watching event if they're not interested in watching a debate, so I could actually hear the TV. I thought the guy standing next to me by the TV, the one who was eating some grapes and offered me some, was sort of cute, but, displaying the usual attitude of men towards me, after the debate was over, he didn't even look at me and instead wandered off. After the debate, some people were trying to sign up volunteers to work on campaigns. I had my own personal internal debate about whether it is possible to meet future husbands while working on campaigns, ultimately decided that, while, theoretically, it may be, it probably isn't possible for me to meet a future husband anywhere, so did not sign up.

I suppose I should have some political thoughts about the debate. I used to think of myself as a happily independent person who enjoyed and reflected upon things like debate watching events without getting caught in destructive and obsessive thoughts like these. Self improvement plan on this point must start soon.

Anyway, the debate was interesting. I don't know anything about foreign policy, so I wasn't too good at substantive evaluation of what was said. I learned some stuff. I thought Bush looked desperate and panicked most of the time, and would grope around for answers before finally landing on some catchphrase he'd used before and just repeating that. Like the whole "wrong war, wrong place, wrong time" thing. Although, to be fair, Kerry said that thing about summits at least seven different times. Then again, repetition is supposed to be important in politics, so, by that token, I guess Bush did what he was supposed to do.

Thing Three: I then went out for "drinks" with an old friend. Quotation marks used, because she is celebrating a Jewish holiday and couldn't spend money on drinks (I wasn't sure if it was the money or the drinks she's not supposed to do.) Anyway, I had already had drinks at the first bar, and I didn't want too much more. I only had one beer. So, instead, we got endless glares from the angry waitress, even though the bar was almost entirely empty. I feel so guilty about that. Should I?

2004-09-29T02:55:00.000-04:00

I was just glancing over some material from our main office at work, and I noticed the following line at the bottom.

"Tomato Provides Picture of Hope and Endurance: Brought to the attention of Business manager [name here]...the tomato plant growing at the gate of the parking lot reminds us that even in less than ideal circumstances, we can not only grow but be fruitful."

I didn't know there was a tomato plant growing in the parking lot! Oh, I love that!

2004-09-29T02:16:00.000-04:00

Ups and downs.

There are a lot of them. Today went as follows:

Down: Waking up, remembering that I had gone to bed at 2 am after falling asleep on the floor at 8:30 pm, waking up at 2 am, putting myself in my actual bed, then having trouble sleeping all night.

Up: Putting on my favorite new jacket, just perfect for this cool rainy day. Finally, fall clothes are appropriate, and I'm not sweating through 80-degree weather in woolly slacks.

Down: Waiting to have lunch with tg and feeling like the ugliest person in the coffee shop.

Up: Having lunch with tg. Running into four different people in the coffee shop and feeling like I know people here and am part of something of a community. tg looking beautiful and making me laugh.

Down: Walking away from lunch feeling like my life is going nowhwere and I'll live a meaningless life alone forever.

Up: Sitting down to work and thinking about how, if no one ever wants me, I can adopt kids from another country. Maybe I could adopt sisters, and they could be best friends, like me and tg.

Down: Walking home, feeling wet (still raining) and ugly again.

Up: Sitting down in front of my computer to read blogs and eat pounds of Goldfish crackers. Cooking dinner. Putting mountains of extra parmesan cheese on the pasta. Hearing a special on the radio about Rascal Flatts' new CD. Really liking the new CD and downloading the music. Reading an interesting article. Getting a surprise visit from a friend and few-buildings-over neighbor. Feeling cozy and warm inside while it still rained outside.

People always ask me how I'm doing, and really, there is no answer to that question.

2004-09-26T23:14:00.000-04:00

About being a bad person.

The Gospel at church this evening was the one about Lazarus and the rich man. Then the homily was all about how, basically, rich people are going to hell and poor people aren't, and how we need to be aware and care now, before it's, uh, too late. The priest talked about people who give up everything and move to Africa to help the poor.

So, I was walking home after that, having this terrible life crisis moment about how my life has no purpose and how I'm just a complacent affluent American going abbout her business while poor people all over the world suffer and die, but could live happily if I would just send them the money I just used to buy boots. And I'm thinking all these awful thoughts about my bad life when this homeless guy stops me and asks me for a dollar and seventy cents.

Well, of course, given the train of thought I was on, I handed him the money. But rather than say thank you and walk on, he responded by launching into a long rambling story about how he's involved in some kind of lawsuit and has some kind of legal problem and needs someone to type a letter for him. Would I be willing to meet him at the library later this week and type a letter for him?

Okay, so his story made little sense, and he was, you know, a homeless panhandler, but what could I say? That I was busy from now until eternity and could never go to the library and type a letter? He didn't want like, more money, or to come over, or anything really ridiculous like that. I tried to refer him to a legal aid clinic I know of nearby, but he'd tried that already and it hadn't worked, and to be fair, I know that place doesn't take all that many cases.

He asked for my phone number so that he could call and set up a time for this library thing, but I still couldn't figure out a way to say no. And besides, I kept thinking of St. Luke, and of the image I'd had in my head just a few minutes earlier of Lazarus sitting outside the rich man's house, just hoping for a few scraps to fall from his table. And how I'd been in the middle of promising myself that I'd never ignore the needy again.

So, I scribbled my phone number, but not in the world's most readable way, hoping that he wouldn't really be able to make out the numbers and wouldn't call me. I couldn't bring myself to actually write down a wrong phone number, given the whole homily-new-life-path-helping-the-poor thing. But then, sure enough, he tried to read what I'd written, and read one of the 2s as a 7. Rather than correct him, I nodded, and even leaned over to make it look a little more like a 7.

But now, of course, I did everything wrong. I didn't help. I'm not going to end up typing the letter. I may end up the target of some crazy rant of his if I run into him again, which may happen, because the same homeless people hang out around here all the time. But at the same time, I wasn't assertive, and didn't just say no.

And the larger point still holds. I'm still just living my comfortable life, and not making sufficient sacrifices for those in need. I do have to make some changes. But if not typing homeless people's letters, then what?

2004-09-26T16:43:00.000-04:00

Most humiliating moment ever.

Yesterday, I went shopping for knee-high boots. I have a pair, but mine are high-heeled, and I wanted something else a little more casual. I was pretty lucky, because I found exactly what I was looking for at the first store my family (in town for the weekend) and I visited. I tried on something with a kind of pointy toe, not quite right. But then the second boot I tried was perfect. Shiny, soft leather, slightly rounded toe, small heel...perfect. I zipped them up with excitement, found them a wonderful fit, pranced around the store happily, jeans rolled up to show the world how amazing they were.

Ready to buy them, I headed back to the little bench where you sit to try on shoes. I removed the first boot with no trouble. But then, on the second boot, I couldn't get the zipper to unzip. I pulled. I jiggled. I wiggled. Nothing.

Slightly embarrassed, I asked the friendly sales clerk to help. She tried the same things. Pushed, pulled, shook. No movement. She tried aggressive yanking (something I'd been scared to try for fear of destroying the boot). Nothing. I twisted my foot around. Nothing. She pulled some more. More wiggling and pushing. Nothing.

So, she went to get a manager. Who tried the same things. They both stood over me, yanking and pulling. Nothing.

My mom came over. Now, three people gathered around my left leg, staring, grabbing it, twisting it to get better looks. People would stop shopping to stare for a minute, then walk on. People in other parts of the store started to notice the crowd and also stare. The manager suggested getting some pliers.

Pliers? No pliers! That sounded terrifying! Maybe, I thought, I could just manage to extricate my foot by pulling it out of the boot without unzipping the zipper. I tried that. Some progress. My heel moved up the boot a little, but then got stuck in its new position. Help her pull, someone suggested. The saleswoman held tight to my foot while I tried to get it out of the boot. Nothing. My mom also took hold of the boot. I mustered all my effort and tried to move my foot. Nothing. The vinyl bench I was on started to move. I started to slip off. Take hold of her, someone told my dad. So he held my shoulders while Mom and the saleswoman pulled. Like tug of war.

The manager stared in dismay. He went for the pliers. More pulling, more stares, while we awaited his return. Nothing. Then, another salesgirl came over, announcing that she wass good with troubled zippers. She gently wiggled the zipper, and suddenly, it moved. I was free.

And you know how much I loved those boots? I bought them anyway.

2004-09-22T01:26:00.000-04:00

I had a completely and totally exhausting day. I'm overwhelmed with work, worried about larger things, and generally just tired.

But recently, I did unearth a new treasure from the nearby eating establishments, and it alone empowers me to get through days like today. It's a drink from one of my favorite coffee places, and it's called the Java Jones. One giant cup of coffee with two shots of espresso.

I always favor much wimpier drinks, like hot cocoas and apple ciders, occasionally a medium cup of coffee if I really need to stay awake for something. But I just tried this, and it's fabulous. With a friend like Java Jones, who needs sleep, ever? It renders relaxation totally useless, since it gives me more energy, more enthusiasm than any nap. Today, I had not one, but two. It was great.

Of course, the problem is now that there's nowhere to go from here. The Java Jones is the absolutely most caffeinated drink the coffee place sells. If I'm already up to two per day, what happens on days even more exhausting than this one? What if I develop some sort of immunity? Before, when coffee was the farthest down the caffeinated path that I tended to wander, I still had all the espresso drinks left to try if coffee ever stopped having an effect. But now, even drinks such as the "Red-Eye" (coffee with one shot of espresso) seem sort of weak and powerless.

I tell myself that tomorrow, it's back to the cocoa. But once I start feeling a tiny bit sleepy...

2004-09-21T01:50:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else out there have an escape plan? Not something you'd really do, just something you think about now and then, that if things ever really got horrible, a place you'd go to just get away from everything.

For two summers, I went to camp in northern Michigan. At first, I was terribly homesick and cried and called home all the time, but by the second summer, I was really happy, and so proud of myself for being happy even without my family there to take care of me. I loved it there, most of all, just sitting by the lake and thinking about stuff. Then, for three years after that, tg went to the same camp, and Mom and Dad and I would go up there to drop her off and pick her up, and we'd stay a few days and make a little vacation out of it. I loved every one of those trips too.

Now, every time I feel like things are going wrong, like my life's not going the way it's supposed to, I imagine myself leaving everything, just buying a bus ticket, and going up there forever. to that same little town where we went to camp. tg and I have talked about it a couple times. We'd find some kind of work, get a little cabin by the lake, just the two of us, every day, after work, just snuggle up on the couch together and watch TV or just take chairs and sit by the lake. Maybe we'd order books and DVDs off amazon.com or something. Just us, no work stress, no other people to please, just me, my sister, my lake.

I'd never really do this, but you know, I've looked up bus tickets on greyhound.com more than once. It's just nice to have something like that to imagine.

UPDATE: Wow, I'm loving hearing about everyone else's escape plans! It's nice to know I'm not alone with this!

To the commenter who asked about Ravello, yeah, Ravello is my favorite place in the whole world, and I'd love to escape to there. But one requirement that I've always had for my escape plan is that it be entirely plausible. In that, if I needed to follow it, I could just go. A bus ticket to Michigan and a place to stay until I found a job always seems like would be on the expensive end of things, but not expensive like Italy. If I ran away to Italy, I'd have to come back in three days, having run out of money. Sad but true.

2004-09-21T01:27:00.000-04:00

A few great new blogs on the 'roll, be sure to take a look!

2004-09-20T01:28:00.000-04:00

My heart will go on.

(By the way, sorry for no posts this weekend--it was sort of crazy with family and friend visits and other stuff. Will do better in future, promise!)

Tonight, tg and I watched the Emmys, but when turning on the TV, we saw that Titanic was on NBC. So, we kept flipping to that during the commercials, and ended up totally caught up in that.

Okay, so I cried three times. And now, I've been listening to "My Heart Will Go On" all night, over and over, and getting all misty-eyed. I realize this is the most sentimental movie of all time, but still? At the end? Where she says, "I'll never let go," and then he falls into the water? Or even early on, when he holds her at the front of the ship and they sail into the sunset? Or when they show the mom reading to the little kids as the water swirls over them? There are just so many places to cry!

2004-09-17T01:52:00.000-04:00

I was going to post about really great bathrooms, but I've been thinking about something else all day today, so I had to get it out here.

(Note: I realize that we've had a lot of moaning and complaining and less enthusiasm these days. I'm working on it, guys.)

So, the thing that's been on my mind all day, and then when I was out all night tonight, is that I have no idea how socially awkward I am. Or am not. I don't know. I really have no idea. I could be one of those people who people enjoy talking to at parties. Or I could be the kind of person who always says the wrong thing, the one who seems hopelessly weird, the one who everyone's trying to avoid. Either way, people would be polite to me. It's not like a friend would take me aside and tell me, "You know, you really need to work on your social skills. Everyone thinks you're weird." So I could be totally socially bizarre, and I'd never know.

I was thinking about this in the context of dating. It seems to me like guys are never really interested in me at all. It could be that guys aren't into me because I'm just not that good at talking to new people, that I give off bad, nervous, weird, whatever, social vibes. I mean, it could be a million other things. But just knowing that I could be giving off this horrible first, second impression to everyone I meet--that's terrifying!

And mainly, the scary thing is the fact that I'll never know, either way. I never get to meet myself for the first time. I never get to objectively sit back and watch myself at a party. I can never watch myself through anyone else's eyes but mine.

Okay, maybe that just seems horrifying to me. But horrifying it is.

2004-09-15T18:09:00.000-04:00

Conflict aversion.

This morning, I had a semi-disturbing conversation with some representatives from my union. Now, first of all, let me say that I really believe in unions and think they're important. If there were to be a strike, I would definitely go. I'm not comfortable crossing picket lines, etc., etc.

So, the union reps are looking for people do union organizing, to meet with people and get them to join, and get them more involved. I don't really want to do this. I don't like convincing people to do things. I don't like any kind of conflict. I imagine myself sitting down with someone who doesn't share my opinion about unions and trying to make that person think like I do, and I feel slightly sick to my stomach. Even though I do really believe in the union.

But this morning, the union guy basically asked me why I would be willing to make the big sacrifice of going on strike, but not make the little sacrifice of a couple of hours and a little social discomfort to do some organizing. Everyone's conflict averse, he said, but some people are willing to put aside that aversion and stand up for something they believe in. Why couldn't I do that?

And I don't know. Is it because I don't believe in the union enough to do it, or because I don't believe in anything enough to do it? Presumably, if everyone I know were, say, beating up small children at work, I would be willing to put aside this conflict thing and tell them to stop. But maybe not. Maybe I'd shy away from that too. Maybe I should organize for the union just to get over my fear of disagreeing with people...

..but I just can't picture myself doing it. There's that inspirationl quote, I don't know who said it, maybe Eleanor Roosevelt or someone, "You must make yourself do the thing you think you cannot do." But sadly, this isn't going to be the time. But okay. Sometime soon, I have to do something I think I cannot do.

2004-09-13T18:15:00.000-04:00

Tonight, while I do laundry and clean my apartment, there's fabulous karaoke going on back in Wisconsin.

I miss you all!

2004-09-13T11:02:00.000-04:00

Fall clothes rant.

It is September. Mid-September. And while I love warm weather, I'm sitting here wearing a linen skirt and a t-shirt. This is horrible.

The thing is, I love warm weather. I love sunny days and forecasts in the mid 70s to 80s. I love them all year round, pretty much. When I don't love them is in the early fall, when I'm just so excited to wear my fall clothes, to take familiar old friend sweaters out of the closet, to put on the new pair of pants and blazer I bought just for crisp fall days. I like my summer stuff, but I'm tired of it. It is definitely scarf and sweater time.

I was so eager to wear fall clothes this morning that I almost revolted and wore a pair of light wool slacks anyway, daring the gods of seasonally appropriate clothing to come down and strike me dead. But even if I'd been willing to breach the social norm, I'd still have been hot. I'm hot now, in this linen thing.

I guess patience is a virtue, but not one I have.

2004-09-12T09:27:00.000-04:00

Movie review!

Criminal. I don't think I've given a single movie a bad movie review in the history of this blog, so it probably comes as no shock that I liked it a lot. Good story, super hot co-star, fun plot twists.

There was one problem, which one review I read (I think it was on cnn.com) complained about. You're not supposed to like the John C. Reilly character very much, but the thing is, I immediately sympathize with any character played by John C. Reilly. There's something so sweet and earnest and pathetic about him that I instantly start rooting for him, even when he plays someone horrible. The whole thing would have been more fun if I'd just laughed when bad things happened to him, but instead, I just felt worse and worse for the poor guy.

Anyway, I'd recommend it!

UPDATE: In response to a commenter who asked whether my indiscriminate love for every movie I see comes from me predicting what I'm going to like in advance and then just going to see those movies: No, not at all. In fact, when seeing movies with friends, I almost never express a preference, and for this reason, often end up going to movies I think I'm going to hate. That's what happened in the case of Criminal. My friend Amy wanted me to see it with her. I didn't even know what it was when I agreed to go, but then I read some reviews, and decided it would be the kind of movie I would hate. I was really surprised when I liked it.

So, I think it's basically due to low expectations.

2004-09-11T13:27:00.000-04:00

Hmm, September 11. People have been sharing their stories of what they were doing, what their experiences were like.

Three years ago, I was in the bathroom refilling my teapot when a friend ran in and asked if I'd heard anything about the World Trade Center, about something terrible that had happened. She said she'd just gotten an e-mail about something terrible, a plane crash, but she wasn't sure what had happened. This girl was the sort of person who got lots of e-mail forwards and hoaxes and tended to believe every single one of them, so at first, I thought this was another crazy story of hers. No, I hadn't, I said, and I wanted to add, "And no, I haven't heard the one about how Bill Gates is going to buy everyone who signs this petition a free computer. Or about how this boy in North Carolina is dying, and will only be able to have surgery if we all send a dollar to this one P.O. Box."

Nonetheless, when I got back from the bathroom, I flipped on my little TV just to see if anything was really going on. I turned it on in time to see the second tower fall.

Then, there were lots of attempts to reach my family in Wisconsin, although I think they had more reason to be worried about me out here, much closer to the towers. I didn't have any close friends who worked near the World Trade Center, but a couple of close friends had parents who did, so, I remember their panic (everyone turned out to be okay). I spent most of the day on IM (which I'd never really used before, and didn't use again until recently) with friends from high school who were still in the Midwest. At first, we just wanted to make sure everyone was okay, but then we just wanted each other's familiar company. Then, that night, I was too scared to sleep by myself, so I took a sleeping bag and went to sleep on a friend's floor. I remember lying awake together for a long time and saying prayers together.

In the weeks that followed, I spent most of my time wishing I were at home with family. I've heard all kinds of reactions to the attacks, but I haven't met too many other people who were primarily just homesick. I'd been out here away from home for two years by then, and was basically okay with my new life and new friends, but after Sept. 11, all I wanted was to be home.

On Sept. 27, I flew home to surprise my dad for his 50th birthday. I was terrified to fly, but I had my tickets, so I went ahead, boarded the plane, looked suspiciously around me at every other passenger, convinced they were all terrorists, and went home for the weekend. The next morning, my mom and I went to the farmers' market, and we walked around the stalls, holding hands, looking at the shiny red peppers and the big fat orange pumpkins and squat little gourds. For the first time since Sept. 11, everything seemed comfortable and okay, and I just wanted to stay in that moment forever.

But the next day, I packed up and flew back here. I've never regretted that, but recently, thinking about it, for the first time, I wonder if I made a mistake. I was listening to the radio a couple days ago, and I heard that Tim McGraw song, "Live Like You Were Dying," which always makes me ask myself, if I really were dying, how would I live differently? And of course, the answer is, I would gather all my scattered family together and be with them until the end. But of course, I'm not dying, so maybe it makes sense for tg and me to be here, and for all my family and friends to be in different places, having our own independent adventures, finding ourselves. But then again, on Sept. 11, I end up contemplating the possibility that our every day really could be our last. So, then what?

That's the thing, on Sept. 11, I never know what to think.

2004-09-10T10:19:00.000-04:00

Bedtime troubles.

The past few nights, I've come home from some dinner or bar having had something to drink and feeling absolutely exhausted. Going out didn't use to make me feel like having been run over by a truck, but whatever. Anyway, so I come home, I collapse on my bed, or, in one case, on the floor. And wake up there at 3:30 in the morning, get depressed about the fact that I can't even manage to put myself to bed anymore, bury my head in the pillow (or, uh, carpet), and fall back asleep. Then, I wake up again at 4:30 and finally get pajamas on and go to bed.

I guess I'm still getting sleep, but there's something slightly uncomfortable about this whole new pattern.

2004-09-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

Trying with determination to find something to be enthusiastic about on gray rainy day today.

For lunch, I had a sesame seed covered roll that I liked a lot. It looked just like a plain old sesame roll, sort of shaped like a little baguette. But it was really good.

Okay, now that I found the positive, I have slightly more of a license to complain, right? So complain I will.

1) It is impossible to walk in the rain in my flip-flops. I keep slipping all over the place, and can barely maintain my balance. When I was running to catch a walk light, I really almost fell. Into a puddle.

2) Two people cancelled coffee appointments with me five minutes before the appointments were supposed to happen. They both had reasonably good excuses, but the second one was at the end of the day, and I'd been sitting there all afternoon, imagining how I was going to have a big hunk of pumpkin cake at the coffee place, which I then did not get to have. It seems okay to have some big bad-for-me treat when I'm with someone, but if it's just me, I feel more guilty. And end up having horribly un-tasty snacks like the celery I just ate.

3) It's still raining. People have been talking about how we're feeling the effect of the hurricane. I was hoping that would mean a spectacular thunderstorm with lots of lightning and excitement. Instead, it's meant a lot of dreary rain with no end in sight.

4) The maintenance people at my apartment promised they would come and fix my leaky toilet and broken towel rack last week. Yesterday, I called to remind them. I was sure that when I came home today, I would find these problems gone. They are both still here.

Yay for complaints.